The Family Addiction Trap
A Personal Reflection on ‘Why Getting Help Is Hard’
Every family has secrets. If yours doesn’t you might double-check to see if it’s your family. Secrets? What sister wants her little brother telling her boyfriend that she’s texting other boys late at night? And, oh my, if anyone outs little pubescent brother’s bed wetting? Unimaginable! What dad wants his wife and kids telling the world how long he’s on the toilet (read: library)? Who wants the neighbors to know that the noisy clanging pans and thuds on the wall from last night’s party wasn’t a party at all, but a brawl between mom and dad? What high up social club member wants fellow members to know bankruptcy is immanent, and that every tee-off draws the crash nearer? Yes, families have secrets, some hilarious and others? Not so. The concern with secrets, the not so funny ones, is how they are kept. Often, manipulations like power, belittling, shame, lies and hiding are the tools, creating unhealthy relational and emotional binds in families, even if unnoticed. When noticed, these toxic methods are often nurtured and deepened by family members that want to maintain a dignified public image.
Family secrets can be innocent, humorous and a source of playfulness for a healthy family. Hanging out, years after the events, telling stories only the family knows can be fun, but this is not always true. A family’s more sensitive secrets, handled carelessly, can and do leave long-term emotional, behavioral and socio-relational affects. When this is the case family members often live in something that feels like a trap. If you’ve every been trapped, whether by a predator-like animal, stuck in a small space or maybe a tough employment entanglement, you know something of the disorientation and the emotional devastation involved. Family relational traps, rooted in secrecy, are the same and more often worse.
Powerful family traps occur more often, based on my personal experience with families, when secrecy revolves around some form of abuse. While abuses are many and varied, my hope is to shed light on the powerful, interconnected family traps that exist in families affected by addiction, alcohol and drug, specifically. After near thirty years of reading, learning, guidance from experts and practicing pastoral care with families of addiction, three things are clear: 1) Families normalize around the addiction, even when toxic, 2) The normalizing behaviors are patterned and, thus, predictable, and 3) Breaking the patterned traps requires help from outside the family to begin healing and growth. Recognizing this is essential, but it’s only the starting point.
I remember once, as a child, investigating the distressed exchange between my mom and dad in our tiny bathroom. Walking in I saw my dad lying on the floor. Vomit was all over the toilet. Mom was scolding him about his mess while cleaning up after him. She hurried me out and shut the door with, “get back to bed.” I did, knowing only that something was terribly wrong, I was afraid and that I wasn’t supposed to know. Nothing was said the next day. I learned much later that my father was drunk that night. Secrecy loomed large over that and other incidents related to my father. With a child’s mind, rooted in secrecy and fear of my dad’s extreme temper, I surmised that talking about problems was bad business. Secrecy worked. “Don’t ask,” “Don’t tell” was a rule. Early on, before mom and dad divorced, I learned well secrecy and hiding emotions. I learned how to manipulate my dad’s moods and, if successful, how to avoid such bathroom scenes as well as his anger. I lied a lot, making my dad out to be a hero. Ultimately, I learned I was responsible for the emotions of others, and this carried on into much of my adult life. If children are left with such secrets they will make up their own stories, irrational though they may be, creating their own ways of coping. Secrecy, suppressing and lying are effective tools when image needs protecting.
Another factor that negatively affects families of addiction is the belief that they are unique. They believe they are not like others. This lie contributes heavily to traps. Yet, rarely, if ever, do families of addiction tell a unique story of experience and feelings. This, itself, is both positive and negative. Positive in the sense that families can quickly realize they are not alone in the journey to healing. Negative in that uniqueness nurtures a family’s sense that help is not needed. They, unlike other families, can go it alone. Either way, what is true of one family of addiction is typically true of most others in important ways. This is by far not new to experts, or, to some extent, in the general public. What is often unknown to unaware families, however, is the reason traps exist, how families perpetuate them and ways secrecy and uniqueness can be effectively approached to create needed change for both the family and the addicted member.
Families of addiction can feel trapped by embarrassment, shame and, quite often, guilt. These may not be the origin of addiction, but once on the road of addiction and family co-dependency, they are strong, perpetuating factors binding families in secrecy and feelings of uniqueness. Trapped.
Learning is the first step in a family’s journey to openness and growth, yet learning can be painful and cause fear. Often the pain/fear level of living in a trap can feel more comfortable than the pain level of openness and healing. If you know these feelings, just know that you are normal. If any or all of this brief story resonates with you, you likely know it deeply, without much doubt.
Help is both needed and available. Addiction counselors and centers, as well as books, videos and other advanced resources are near. Don’t go it alone. If alcohol or any chemical dependency exists in your family, your family is being affected. Break the secrecy and reach out for your own good, and for your family, too.
