Enzo Amore: The Birth of America’s Next Lyrical Genius
Eric Arndt.
Enzo Amore.
Real1.
Call him what you want, there’s one title belt that this professional wrestler can lift high above his head: America’s next lyrical genius.
The disgraced former WWE superstar has been against the ropes as he contests rape allegations stemming from a 2017 encounter with a woman in Phoenix, Arizona. If losing his promising career as the WWE’s golden boy wasn’t enough, Arndt has been subject to tremendous online criticism from fans and foes alike.
Well, after a grueling 2-month hiatus from social media, Arndt has “risen again” as Rap Star Real1 and released the debut track “Phoenix” that has shaken the music world to its very foundations and sent Real1’s obese haters waddling back to the Dorito-strewn basements of their mother’s homes.
The Rap game just found its new face, and boy is it sweaty.
While the exquisitely-directed music video for Phoenix surely deserves an article of its own, it’s Real1’s next-level lyricism that sets this groundbreaking single apart. The lyrics, found on the aptly named GeniusLyrics.com, shine a light into the incredible inner workings of Arndt’s brilliant mind and put to bed once and for all the very idea that a woman could turn down a man who looks like this:
Let’s start from the top:
“Listen up, you sloppy jalopy son of a bitch, sitting on your fucking couch, with your fucking phone in your hand, doing your armchair detective work: think you know what the fuck is going on?”
Some might say that it’s unfair to reduce a person’s legitimate concerns regarding celebrity rape allegations to the mere jealous ramblings of an obsessed, overweight basement dweller. Some might say this does nothing to reduce the actual validity of those allegations. Real1 doesn’t care. If you come at Real1 with your concerns about his potentially criminal sexual encounters, you’d better hit the gym first. Nerd.
When was the last time you kept a two month social media silence?
Two lines in and Real1 has already dropped a bomb. How many of us can truly say that we’ve stayed off social media for 2 months because a woman accused us of raping her?
You think I wasn’t going to say shit?
I’m a let y’all talk shit talk shit
If I had a fuck to give, I would give it
I’ll rephrase this for those of you too simple to keep up with the Lyrical Chessmaster:
Did you haters really think Real1 wasn’t going to say anything? Well surprise- he is going to say something. He doesn’t care, though, so he’s actually not going to say anything. He’s going to let you look dumb while you say something.
He’s here to say that he’s not going to say anything about you saying things, and when he says something about saying nothing about you saying something, you shouldn’t be surprised.
I think that clears that one up.
If ya feel froggy, ain’t gotta Leap
All you gotta do is ribbit (is ribbit)
All you frogs out there better watch the fuck out.
Sky’s the limit? Sorry officer
Got to admit it
Yeah I’m over the limit
Here, Real1 brilliantly illustrates that he will happily confess to a crime he has committed- in this case, driving under the influence. Given the honesty Real1 expresses here to this hypothetical law enforcement professional, it is unlikely he would lie about rape allegations. Don’t be surprised when this line makes its way into the court proceedings.
I pissed excellence, bitch I just shitted
If this doesn’t convince you, I don’t know what will.
What’s he gonna say?
What’s he gonna do?
Got ’em on their toes like a midget at a urinal
While you waste precious oxygen thinking about those silly “rape allegations” that Real1 has already discredited, The Rap God is busy being unpredictable and thinking about how difficult it must be for midgets to use adult urinals. Which one of you seems to be doing better in life, loser?
Middle finger to the sky grippin’ my…
Consensual penis
Case. Fucking. Closed.
Real1 establishes here that he does, indeed, have a consensual penis. Notice that “consensual” is an aspect of the penis itself, not of any sex act he does with it. This establishes- and this is true- that anything Real1 does with his penis is in fact consensual, as his penis itself is consensual. And to top it all off, he’s holding his consensual penis up in the sky using only one finger. Let’s see you basement dwellers pull that off.
Puddin’ ain’t got no Rufilin
Naw I ain’t Bill Cosby Biiiiiihhhh
Naw I ain’t Bill Cosby Bitch
Eric Arndt is not Bill Cosby. Prove me wrong.
Lawyered up and wipe me down
After shitting excellence, it’s important to hire a qualified lawyer to wipe one’s ass.
I ain’t askin’ for an ounce of sorrow
See, this the best day of my life
Real1’s happiest moment was the day he was accused of rape.
Gender persecution hurts the #MeToo movement
And our women’s revolution
The fuck you doin’?!
Do you really think that Real1 could force himself upon a woman given his storied history of advocating for women’s rights? For example: that time he wrote a song with the words “Me Too” in it.
So here’s a big fuck you
Fuck you
Yeah from me to you
And to anyone that’s doubted me
My dear mama is still fuckin’ proud of me
Name one rapist who had a mother. I’ll wait.
I, for one, am convinced. Find me a single woman able to resist the sexual advances of a man with such a clear grasp of the English language, and I’ll change my tune.
Until then, let’s all sit back, relax, and thank the Rap Lord for shitting his excellence all over our chests.
