The Power Of Holding Space For Others

Zenpowerment- Randy Scott
Nov 1 · 4 min read
Photo by Dingzeyu Li on Unsplash

We don’t know what we think until we hear what we say or read what we’ve written

One of the most important principles that we can learn as human beings, especially in our relationships, is that of holding space.

Holding space is a simple, yet rarely practiced principle. It is the process of ‘getting’ somebody’s communication. It means being present, really listening without preparing a response, and being non-judgmental.

It is a way of creating a safe space for another person to work through their emotions and problems.

It is a way to increase connection, trust, and intimacy in relationships.

When to hold space

One of the key indicators for me to hold space for another person is their level of emotional passion. If a person is triggered or unusually highly emotional, it is not the time for a rational discussion. When a person is triggered, there can be no true communication. Even worse, if a triggered person triggers you, then all you do is play ‘trigger ping pong’, and say things you’ll regret later on, and don’t really mean.

Having enough emotional intelligence to decide when to hold space is key.

If you’re in a relationship where both people understand the concept of holding space, you may even ask the other person, “Do you want feedback or just for me to hold space?”

How it works

In typical communication, we passively listen, and are already preparing a response in our minds before the other person is even finished talking. We want to share our opinions and beliefs. We want to ‘fix’ them or solve their problems. Most of the time, this doesn’t work and is a very low level of communication.

When we choose to hold space, we choose to make it all about them. We set aside our opinions, our beliefs, and our feedback, and just listen. When a person really feels heard, they feel like they matter. They feel safe, and trust is created between both of you.

When I hold space, I respond with phrases like “I get that”, or “I see”. This helps the other person to know that they are being heard. If something is not clear, or I feel like it’s going into more detail, for their good, I ask something like, “what do you mean by that?”.

An opinion is not truth. It is just a point of view. If another person has an opinion that differs from yours, you can ‘get’ their opinion without necessarily agreeing with it. For me, learning different perspectives or opinions has only made me a better person, and helped me to better understand the other person.

As a person works through their own emotions and thoughts, things become clearer to them.

Asking powerful questions

We all have our own answers inside of us. Sometimes, in order to help them find their answers, I’ll ask guiding questions. Some of these questions include:

  • Why do you believe that? How does it make you feel? What would happen if you believed something different?
  • Do you really believe that? If so, where did you learn that?
  • Why do you think you feel that way?
  • Does it feel like you’re coming from a place of love or fear?

If we help the other person to ask themselves the right questions, they can get to the answers for themselves.

Feedback

When I am holding space, I don’t provide any feedback unless I am specifically asked for it. Even when I am asked for it, the first question I ask them is, “what do you think?”. It’s amazing how many times the other person already has the answer and is simply seeking validation.

If you are a coach or therapist, holding space is a great way to identify limiting beliefs that you can explore in the future.

Something to be aware of

For me, the process of holding space is one of unconditional love. I choose to accept the other person fully without judgment. When you do this, it has been my experience that some people mistake this for an affectionate type of love, or something more than holding space.

This has happened to me many times. I believe it is because we are starving for unconditional love as a human race. Since it’s so rare, it’s something we desire.

When people have misunderstood my intent of holding space, and made intimate advances because of it, I simply create a boundary and let them know that my desire is simply a friendship and nothing more.

Bringing it all together

In my experiences of holding space, I have created stronger relationships. I have created trust. I have also gained greater insight for myself by learning about others.

If you choose to hold space for others, you will indeed be a rare gift for humanity.

An Invitation

If you’d like to learn more about achieving higher performance and delivering better results, you can download my FREE ebook

Zenpowerment- Randy Scott

Written by

Helping people create their path of peace, power and purpose with Zenpowerment. http://www.myzenpowerment.com

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