This Is What Death Feels Like When You’re Alive
Have you ever wanted to die? Not because you want to… but because it’s the only escape you know that will help liberate yourself from your deepest, darkest, inner-most, emotionally-draining thoughts…
I have premenstrual dysphoric disorder (“PMDD”) a severe, and debilitating extension of premenstrual syndrome (“PMS”) that affects up to 8 percent of women. PMDD causes me to have extreme mood swings that, without proper medical oversight, can damage my ability to work and relationships with family and friends.
Untreated, PMDD causes me to feel normal only 4–5 days a month… it’s a cycle that I have endured every day for the past four years… I feel physical pain… then mental pain… sadness… self-abhorrence… hopelessness… then emptiness. There are times that are worse than others… in which I cry profusely and eventually become emotionally numb. My thoughts become a black hole. There are times I think back about the “shoulda coulda woulda” experiences in my life. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, that I admit I regret and feel the most ashamed about: dropping out of school a few times, explosive fights with my parents, having affairs, and the list goes on…
During this period of depression, I mostly act out of impulsiveness… having no self-control or restraint from what is rational. I can feel calm and then explode into a sudden bout of rage more than usual. Deep down, I have no compassion, apathy, or regard for others. These are thoughts I keep locked in because I know it’s not socially acceptable to display such emotions. Slowly, however, my demons have begun to creep out into the daylight.
My depression is deeply rooted inside of me. If I could be thinner or taller. What I’d give to have a less rounded face or bigger eyes. I could get used to being smarter and more intelligent. Had I been more responsible when I was younger, I probably could have achieved more today. I am not content. I am never satisfied. I want more. I’ve achieved so much, yet I still feel like a failure. If I were just one step ahead, perhaps I could be a better version of my present self.
I feel alone… all the time. Even when I am surrounded by loving family and friends who all support me. I know it, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything anymore. I am just numb to everything that is good and happy. All I have left is the inner sadness that haunts me day and night. I fall asleep to escape the conscious sorrows, and yet my fears haunt me even in my sleep. I get less than 5 hours a sleep a night because every sickness, every phobia, every thing I hate and loathe about myself comes true even more vividly to me in my own sorrowful slumber.
The small pockets of joy that I am gifted only a few days a month are what I cherish most. The few moments I am able to wake up early in the morning, and feel fresh and brand new. The seldom times I enjoy hearing the sound of my own laughter and feel genuine happiness. My soul radiates warmth and love, and I feel so content. I hold on to these moments as my most precious because I never know when it will fade away from me.
My biggest fear is losing myself. The person I’ve become is wrought with despair. It saddens me to know that without help, it can get worse and I could one day never be myself again. I acknowledge and feel the pain that my parents would endure if I were ever committed. More than losing myself, their pain hurts more. Being able to get help is one thing that I am most fortunate for. Many people who suffer from depression don’t know they are until it’s too late. I’ve seen extreme cases of what happens when it’s too late, and it scares me shitless. The last thing I want is to die with zero recollection of my own self.
Life in itself is a blessing, and we should maximize the time we have left to strive for true happiness. There will always be pain and suffering in our journey, but we will endure it brilliantly. Our resilience to overcome despair is what makes us human. Being happy, being joyful, and being full of love… that is life. And we all deserve that, even when I feel otherwise during my 25 days of depression…