Isn’t funny how things change so fast? One year ago everything was different for me. I was living in another place, seeing other people, used to different things. One year has only twelve months yet so much have changed — time and changes don’t really match, do they? Time can heal or hurt depending on the situation. Hours, minutes, seconds, years, your life can change anytime — sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. These changes come suddently, like rain on a sunny day that you didn’t even think on bringing your umbrella. Life has different ways to get us by surprise; exactly when we are not expecting, that is when some changes happen. You lose your job, someone gain one. The ending of a chapter, the beginning of a new one. A last heartbeat, the first one.
Since I moved to Korea, I started thinking about life even more. Back in my country, I had other worries. I would worry about getting a work fast, entering on college , losing weight — well, that didn’t change yet — now, I worry about the life I left behind. I worry about my family, my pets, my friends. I worry about the experiences I am losing there while I’m here gaining others. The other day, someone told me: by the time you come back home, many things will have changed; maybe your sisters won’t be living with your parents anymore, maybe your eldest will be married, maybe your little sister will be in college — the fact she is graduating this year makes me feel as if I lost track of time.
Maybe, maybe, maybe. Aren’t changes composed by assumptions? What do you do when something doesn’t go howyou planned? How do we react to the surprises life give us? We get used to the same routine everyday and when even the tiniest change happens, we think it may be the end of the world. A relationship breaks, you feel like a part of you was taken; when a part of you was really taken, you ask yourself why it happened — from all the billion of people in the world, you.
But changes can be good too, can’t they? The travel of your life, the exchange of surnames with someone else, the one dollar bet that became millions. Of course some changes are inevitable but others you are able to choose and that is when you need to consider what is more important in your life. Should I do this? Shouldn’t I? Truth be told, I like the anxiety that hits the pit of the stomach whenever you are about to decide something that youknow it can change your life. Humans urge for different situations, adventures, people, anything that can make them feelalive, make their hearts beat so strong that feels like will explode. Because no one is able to live without changes: be them good orbad, if nothing happens, you’re just.. Surviving. If nothing new comes into someone’s life, at some point they will feel empty, just like another plastic bag floating in a street full of people that didn’t even notice the object passing through them.
I can’t say exactly what made me start thinking about life in a different way. In the first months, everything felt like a dream. Now, it is becoming reality. That street doesn’t seem strange anymore, I already memorized a few subway lines and bus numbers. I got used to come back to an empty house and evenforgot some words from my native language, I do now so manythings I was too afraid to try months ago. Ah, humans and their incredible facility to adjust at almost any change in their lives. It is somehow scary to think we can adapt to certain situation so easily that we can forget the most important things of our lives.
I caught myself crying when the thought of coming back to my country and find everything out of the place where I left it, like when you ask someone to watch over your house and gets anxious about them making a big mess. What if I come back to Brazil and my cats don’t recognize me anymore? Just like me, my scent may have changed so much that they wouldn’t be able to see me as I was. What if I enter and my house and the furniture are not as I remembered, what if I walk around the city and lose myself? I longed for changes for so many years that when I finally realized I got them, I felt lost. I felt myself looking for theold pictures, trying to dig up on old habits, nostalgic feelings that would make me remember of myself. I imagined inumerous scenarios to when I would arrive at my country. Would things still be as I remembered?
The way anything can change in a blink of an eye made me realize the fear of losing parts of me I am not ready to give away yet — and maybe never will be. I knew I couldn’t get distracted bythose thoughts, that I needed to focus on more important thingsfirst. So I looked through another point of view. If these were the changes I was searching for, why should I regret them? No, I couldn’t. I could miss my old life but I should be happy for the opportunity of trying a new one. I asked for these changes in my life, I made them happen and I would never regret all that I conquered because of my decisions. Changes sometimes are chances. To be a better person, learn with your mistakes, find your way. Changes are not always good, no. Sometimes they mean the ending of a story, loss, disappointment. Sometimes changes pass running by you, like a train in the subway station. Sometimes changes are like snowflakes, falling slowly from thesky during a winter night. But if changes are an open door for millions of possibilities, trying to choose the best way is the secret.