Our tainted love

I forgot you. I flew across the world, made myself distant from everything that could remind me of you. I met knew people, kissed different boys. I foccused on my studies, erased the details of your face from my mind. I forgot how my name sounded in your voice whenever you were angry at me for trying to contest your opinion about us. I forgot how your arms wrapped around me so many times and how soft your fingertips were while tracing patterns in my skin. I deleted the memories we made together, the years of feelings and the travels we did with our friends and my family. I don’t listen the song you showed me or watch the animes you recommended anymore. I forgot you, really. I don’t think on the days you fell asleep next to me or how many sleepless nights I had because of your indecision, your mistakes. It doesn’t hurt anymore when I remember the night you rejected me and let me go back home with teary eyes or when I recall the conversations we had. It doesn’t hurt when I think about the chance we lost because you were too scared of listening to your heart. But sometimes, I miss you. Sometimes I catch myself thinking if you were truly sorry for letting me come without saying goodbye. Just sometimes, I like to remember how your laugh would make me laugh as well and how warm my hands were whenever you would entwine our fingers. I like to remember the stupid jokes and the time we spent together, when all I could see was you and the rest would disappear. Many nights, I lay in my bed and think about the things you told me and still can’t decide if they were true or not. You told me to wait, that you thought of me in the same way I thought of you. But no matter how much I waited, you never came. No matter how much I texted you or how much I cursed at you, begged or cried, you showed no mercy. At last, you said we would never be able to be together and you gave up. You sacrificed our feelings and the chance we had to be happy — even if it was for a short time. And I fought with you because I couldn’t let that happen, I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong, how we lost ourselves in the way. I couldn’t accept that after so much waiting, you turned your back to me as if I was nothing. The problem is that you mean more than you think, that was what you said. If I was, why did you give me away so easily? You used other people as excuses to don’t admit you were afraid of your feelings, because you thought it was wrong to like me in the way you did. You rathered be the vilain in the story than losing your pride but the only thing you lost, was me. You let me go. One day you will understand why; I still don’t — and I don’t think ever will. You apologized after months of not speaking with each other, months where I spent reviewing everything in my head, trying to find the reasons which you said I would understand but all I found was memories that made my heart crack. I will never forgive you completely, I still hate you. I hate the tears that roll my cheeks because of you, the way my heart hurts as if nothing in the world could fill the empty space. I hate you for being the only one who had me like this, begging for a kiss, a chance. I hate you for opening your heart for me and closing before I could enter and look around. I hate you for not going on my farewell party and tell your brother to give an stupid excuse for your absence. I hate you for being there when I needed you, for calling in the last day and making me feel like I couldn’t enter on an airplane unless it would be to meet you. And even so, I loved you. I love you. If I will love for the rest of my life, I don’t know. But I loved you for years, even without knowing you had feelings for me back and love you until now; across the globe, 24 hours of difference and millions of kilometers of distance. You still have my heart, still keeps me from falling in love with someone else, no matter how much I try. I still remember your stupid beard, your tanned skin, your big nose. I can remember every single conversation we had and the smiles you gave me, the glow in your eyes. I will never forget anything, not a moment we had together. Will never forget the nicknames you gave me or the day you called and told me how much you regretted letting me go. Live, do everything you have to do and when you come back, I promise I won’t let you go ever again. And just like before, you pulled me back to you. Just like before, my heart believed in you blindly. So no, I didn’t forget you. You’re still here, no matter how time pass, how seasons change and other people come and go from our lives. I once told you our story would give a great book, you disagreed: a great story for an wedding, at least. Sometimes, I don’t think about you at all. In other nights though, just like tonight, you are all I long for.

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