How To Date My Future Ex

She’s gonna drive you crazy. Every way possible. She’s gonna cry whenever she feels like a sardine in a crowded bus burning under the sun like a camp marshmallow. The tears will flow even more when you try to make a joke to cheer her up.

She’ll take off your clothes in public, biting and scratching you. That’s how she shows affection. An aggressive affection that will make all the eyes point at the both of you. It’s gonna bleed and sting for days.

She’ll try to look at your mobile from the corner of her eye, discreetly. Will try to find out your social media passwords and will analyze every open tab whenever you try to show her something in the computer.

Man, you’re fucked when she’s among her friends. Nothing is out of limits. She’ll make mean comments about your lifestyle, your hair, your music taste and even your favorite films, it’ll all drive you insane, but you won’t be able to come up with a comeback, because, as imperfect as she is, you just can’t find any flaw on her.

She’s gonna tell you that she loves you and expect an immediate answer, but if you say it, she won’t have to say it back, you’ll have to know it already. And don’t hold your breath waiting for a compliment, not even in bed.

You’re gonna be required to go wherever she wants and smile to all her friends. But she won’t even say “hello” to yours. She won’t flex a single muscle to understand your interests. So I hope, for your own good, that you two are very much alike.

But the truth is, buddy, when you’re holding hands walking on the rain, sharing an umbrella an smoking a cigarette on your way to some dirty bar (that she picked) and she looks at you with her big brown eyes. When she smiles at you with the corner of her mouth and look down all shy. When she laughs at your stupid jokes and call you silly. When her lips make that curve up everytime she talks…

When she does all that, you’ll want to kiss her until you forget everything I said bedore.