I Don’t Want or Need an App to Measure My Sex Life
why there’s more to good sex than how loud you are or how often you do it
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There’s a new iPhone app called Spreadsheets that, by measuring your movement and noise level in bed, will give you a readout of your sexual activity by the numbers. According to an email pitch I received, “Spreadsheets has found a way to track users sexual activities in a fun, witty and unique way. We hope to revolutionize sex while encouraging growth and fun inside the bedroom.” I’m all for using new positions, locations, props, sex toys and apps to improve a person’s sex life, but I have to question their standards of what makes for a good sex life. Is it quantity or quality? Is it something that can be measured in metrics?
There are so many assumptions that go into Spreadsheets’ idea of “good” sex. They measure amount of sexual activity per month, number of thrusts, duration of a given sex session and decibel peak. For those who want to capture these measurements (with the option of sharing them on Facebook or Twitter), great. But I’m concerned that, in a culture that too often implies that the more sex you’re having, the happier you are, we assume that everyone’s erotic pleasure boils down to the exact same data points.
I purchased the app for $1.99, but forgot to turn it on during sex, and wasn’t about to interrupt our session. There’s not really a sexy way to say, “Excuse me while I set my iPhone on the bed so it can measure your performance.” I did, however, test it out with my favorite vibrator, the Hitachi Magic Wand, which clocked in at 97 decibels and 250 thrusts per minute!
All joking aside, the fact is, I don’t care how many times per month I have sex, as long as both my partner and I are sufficiently satisfied, whether that’s from sexual activity with each other or masturbation, or a combination of the two. I’d rather have amazing, mindblowing sex once a week than so-so sex every day. Now, I’m not saying those are the only options, for me or anyone else. But I am one of those people whose sex drive varies wildly over the course of a given week or month. There…
