Whatever happened to me?

I grew up with parents that would support me with whatever I do as long as it doesn’t go against their beliefs. This means I can take any course I want, pursue any dreams I have. But the sad truth is I am clueless.

I don’t know why I do not have a single specific dream. Maybe because I was busy thinking that, “soon, I will realize what I want then I will live happily ever after”. Or maybe I was busy reviewing for an exam in order to please my parents even if I don’t need to because they will always understand. Or maybe I was just so blind to realize who really am I and what I really want in this life.

I took a course I never knew until I entered college. I tried to understand what the professor was talking about, and I did. I was able to adjust. I thought I was doing it right, but then again, I forgot to ask myself, ‘is this really what I want?’.

I graduated with flying colors. I made every member of the family proud. Even distant relatives and neighbors were proud. Am I proud? Yes, of course. I did my best, and I survived in a course that I thought I would fail. But such feelings died eventually after reality came knocking at my door.

I have to find a job. Well, I did get a part-time job. I though it would be fine, it’s home-based anyway. But what I didn’t know, I have to do something that made me question my whole existence and why am I suffering that much. I was so devastated that I don’t even want to wake up every morning. I tried looking for a job, any decent job will do but no one seems to like my resume. There were some calling me for an interview, but there’s something that’s stopping from grabbing such opportunity.

I completed my part-time job. It took me nine months. Now I’m studying again. Some think that it’s a good idea for it will make me competitive in the real world, but to be honest, I don’t know what I’m doing right. Am I really doing this for myself, or is it just another way of pleasing the people around me? Or is it a way for me to run from reality that I have to work but people just don’t want to hire me?

It’s really confusing. It’s heartbreaking. I am thankful for the freedom that my parent have given me, but with freedom, there’s much responsibility. Responsibility to do thing on your own, to find the path you have to take, to solve the problems you created, and to deal with the consequences of your actions.

I don’t want to give up the freedom they gave me. I don’t want to stop now that I’ve walked a mile already. I want to continue what I’ve started. But I also want to know what I really want.

I really don’t know what I have to do, but maybe, a little bit of rest will do.