If I were to speak the truth. I would tell you that…

Last night we had a conversation about us…

Ugh.

It almost went left field.

It almost turned on it’s head and blew up.

I would like to say that it did.

She says and does really extravagant things to demonstrate her love and then when the consequences (good orbad) of those words or actions rear up, she runs.

I guess I can only point that out in her because I see the same trait in myself.

It’s not pretty. It’s not cute. It’s not desirable on any level. But i understand.

The hunger for something so deep in your bones that you take anything and everything to fill that void.

Then you realize the consequences and you run. For dear life.

Her running looks like avoiding, taking back, coldness, isolating herself into herself.

My running looks like demands, resistance, neediness, criticism & judgement.

We both do them to the point where we completely destroy what was once so beautiful. And then like good victims we move on feeling broken and rejected by the person we thought said that they loved us.

I can only speak for myself of course.

What I refuse to own is that I walk into every situation knowingly.

I see all the fire signs, I see all the vacancies, I see all the problem areas but my focus initially was on the beauty of the greenery, the smell of the space, the intensity of the connection, the overwhelming power of the love I felt in that experience.

Somewhere between Chasing and Capturing I lose interest in actually bringing my love, my sense of right perception to the table. I could call it a number of things. I get lazy, I get tired, I want something else, I see something better etc. But I think the truth is that I get a high off chasing love and never actually a high off being loved.

I get more of a high off the melodrama of being in turmoil and fight than a high off the beauty of accepting imperfection, throwing out rules and making each day count.

I guess you could say it’s a high on emotionally unavailability. Not because of some historic Daddy complex

though i’m sure that plays a role

I’m talking about a high off chasing situations that have “never ending drama” etched on their doorway. Why? I myself am not ready to be emotionally available for my own healing. It easier to spin in the drama of things than to sit down and do the real work.

Of course I can’t “show that” because it would make me look like the bad guy. And my ego is not silly enough to get put in the category of bad guys. At least not immediately.

So I sabotage. I find any and everything that’s wrong. I push and push until it’s finally over. I throw away my sense of confidence, I throw away my sense of radiance, I bunker down and I get to destruction. It always comes out as just being different, being more conservative, being less wild all of these opposing judgements to my lover’s vicsious, destructive and morally corupt lifestyle.

When in truth. I am scared. I am scared of the day-to-day monotony of relationships because my real self comes to life. You get to see how I struggle, that I work too much, that I obsess, that my eating habits aren’t that greatest, the times when my message and my life are not in alignment, you get to see my anger, my hurt, my laziness. And I fear that when you see me in all of my imperfect glory that you won’t want me anymore.

So my sabotage becomes my way out.

My criticism becomes my way out.

My hurt becomes my way out.

My anxiety becomes my way out.

Because in my ego, in my imagination I can make you the monster. I can make you the villain, the player, the cold heartless thug with mommy issues. I can nail you to a cross and make everyone feel sympathy for me.

If i’m going to love you as you are — without attempts to change you- I have to be willing to let you love the real me. I have to be willing to let my guards down. I have to be willing to really live. I have to be willing to be uncertain. I have to be willing to be wrong. I have to be willing to not see results. I have to be willing to show up even at the risk of you walking away. If i’m going to ever enjoy the beauty of a relationship I have to stop playing the blame game, victim, the marytr. I have to own my shit. I have to recognize that you are not an escape from my shit. I am to honor that you are just as worthy of the love. I have to see that the love that I believe is being withheld from me I am only withholding from myself.

The truth about emotionally unavailable lovers is that we never get duped, betrayed or broken. We will just never have a hunger for something that we are not. Cheaters love cheaters. Players love Players. Victims love victims. Until we unearth the shadow essence of what we have allowed our experiences to make of us, we will continue to subconsciously seek out people who will reflect that shadow back and show us exactly who we are.

I think when we look at relationships that have “failed” in this sense,we reclaim our strength and power to choose. When we stop casting blame on what they did or did not do and really take a look at what role we played in the relationship, we first extract compassion because it’s a reflection of ourselves and not a judgement of someone else and then we begin to change on a soul level.

We meet the same type of people until we are willing to learn the lesson that this particular shadow has to teach us. When we own that shadow, nurture it and bring it back into the light we will meet a different type of person and will have a new relationship experience.