I don’t want to be in the box anymore. Well, not all the time
The last post was just a month after I moved here and that was also the first time I had a break down. Like I mentioned earlier, people whose state of mind is similar to mine, they are not quite consistent. Which is why, this post comes after almost three months.
I don’t know how many of you feel this way, but anxiety and depression changes one’s personality a great deal, no? Not wanting to socialise is one thing, but turning into an introvert from being an outrageous extrovert is something I experienced.
I started thinking about this after students in my class made a presentation on the traits of introverts and extroverts and one student said, “Don’t you think introverts are more prone to depression?” I thought, “Nah! Look at me!”
For the last six months or may be a year, I have been telling myself and anyone I meet that I am an introvert and I don’t quite like to mingle with people. That’s absolute bullshit! I was such an extrovert, I made people piss their pants, made them roll on the floor laughing, and brought them down to tears, in sometimes. I depended so much on their energy, I made them uncomfortable.
However, in the last few months, I have been relying on my own energy. I stopped socialising, this is quite common, if you are depressed. I also started telling myself that I am an introvert. That all these years, I identified myself wrongly. (You might also wonder, why we need to categorise at all. Shut up and read no? I finally found content for this space.)
I want to go back a little. I was so conflicted and confused that at the same time that I wanted to be asocial, and hide myself in a box, I took a job that puts you right out in the centre of attention. I am a lecturer, (or I am trying to be one), where I am addressing a class full of students, interacting with them, standing up in the front, while close 40 pairs of eyes are staring at me.
Some expectantly, and some evidently saying, “What?”
*Insert eye roll Gif here.* 🙄
I managed, I don’t know how, and now I am almost at the end of the semester and I am slowly beginning to understand that I needed a break from all the chaos that has happened. I am just getting myself back together.
Gaslighting and cheating makes you feel, (I need a couple of posts for that,) and it breaks you fully. Like the knots I talked about, where you are choking and you need that knot to be cut off. But it just won’t.
Around the time I was feeling like this, I gave people a chance. Being the extrovert I thought I was, I went up to one person who stormed into my life out of nowhere and told him, “See, you are the one person who will restore my faith in humanity,” and he said, “Of course! People are the best and I will show you.” That was A class bullshit coming from him.
Now I think of it as a man-child, fully fitting the common male stereotype, where he wanted to be a hero. Poor guy is battling for some fresh air right now, I know it for a fact. So after he destroyed everything for me, mainly because of the expectations or extremely high hopes I had from him, I decided that I need a box and that’s it.
I moved because I wanted to be in a place where no one felt sorry for me, or asked me my story. And that was the best decision till date. I turned into an introvert, or rather, my state of mind turned me into one.
That is some good life, you should all try it once.
Now, slowly, I am becoming more open. Interacting more often, with different kinds of people, which I always loved to do and also understand their stories. After all, stories are all that I always had and will have.
I cannot say that I am extroverted now, not fully. But I surely do not want to find a box. I am flexible. I get in the box when I want to and get out when I want to.
So extrovert or introvert? Don’t think about it. Be an ambivert. Bottom line is, do what suits you and keep walking.
Oh, Happy Diwali! :)