Dear Santa Claus,

This year, I have a long list of requests for your attention. Given that the list reaches 100 in number, I am happy to provide an executive summary that I will call my Top 10. Please note all items are compulsory if wanting to reassure me of your true and undying love for me this Christmas.

In descending order, for dramatic suspense:

10 A gift of 10 million dollars, preferably US currency.

While 9 million could be negotiated, I prefer to settle for the rounded up figure to take into account the various costs I expect to have in administering such a windfall from a decidedly vague source. In other words, the tax department will be rightly curious as to my listing of S Claus as an income provider in the current financial year.

9 Gift voucher for the use of a Finnish law firm, or at least a barrister with some knowledge of the North Pole.

Why? See #10 above.

8 Less materialist thinking.

While this does negate #10, I am confident the therapeutic counselling gained by said windfall will achieve the balance in my life to cope with both copious wads of money and a more centred existence.

7 Manly to be implicated in a drugs scandal that wipes them out of the Australian Rugby League competition.

I would prefer the ignominious shame of a major scandal for the club I enjoy despising. (Please note Santa, I do not approve of your red and white colour palette, being so close to the aforementioned Manly livery. This is not a request in my executive summary but feel free to lodge a request for the full list to take note of items #34 and #35 respectively.)

6 A CD of Wham’s greatest hits

I need something to spill my tea on to rather than the desk.

5 The secret to being a better father

This item need not be constrained by the dimensions of the stocking you see hanging over my TV entertainment unit. Feel free to insert this gift by way of instant transfer. I will know this has been accomplished when waking on Christmas morning with an eternal smile and a purely gentle, generous attitude to everyone in my house, including those I encounter on the EastLink motorway entrances during the day’s travels.

4 An end to world poverty.

While seemingly at odds with request #10, I see this as totally achievable if you are as generous as the stories indicate. If not, what’s your closest approximation to a solution to this dilemma by 2015?

3 A signed autograph from ‘Elf’ himself

While I am unsure of your true origins, I do believe that Elf has to be real. Failing that, a memo from Ron Burgundy will suffice as compensation.

2 AC/DC to reach Number 1 on the UK Charts this Christmas

While I prefer another song to reach Number 1 other than Highway to Hell, I will be proud of the boys/old men if they get the number one slot, thanks to the undying support of millions of fans.

1 A used copy of a New King James Bible, with space to write personal notes in the margins each day

Because, at the end of Christmas Day, everything I’ll truly need is in that book.