Forgive me Father…for it has been over three years since my last confession.
Oddly enough, I read those old posts with very new eyes now. Eyes that have seen the man I posted about before for the Sociopath that he really is, and I see how his particular line of psychological abuse wrote those words. I did end up reuiniting with that man I wrote about before, because I had not broken the incredible trauma bond that he so dilligently gifted me. And, not surprisingly, but against all hope, he abused me even further.
You see, many people believe that those of us who have survived abuse “allowed” our abuser to use and manipulate us. Many believe that saying that a woman, in a very deep sense, is responsible for the abuse she has endured (and before anyone jumps down my proverbial throat about the fact that men are abused, too, don’t worry, I know, but I am writing about my SELF, a woman, who was abused by a man. This is about me, regardless of the diplomatic language that I may use.) is in some way helping her “get over” the abuse she endured. Unfortunately, not only does this line of thinking reinforce said abuse, it ignores the fact that the abuser is the one who is abusive, it places the weight of the abuse on the victim’s shoulders and it greatly oversimplifies an extremely complex and misunderstood dynamic within the confines of hidden psychological abuse.
Emotional manipulation plays at the deepest part of a person’s mind. Those that perpetrate such abuse do so with such amazing skill that their victims have no clue that it’s even happening. Abusers use mind control and brainwash tactics that military folks utilize during interrogations and the like. They intentionally create Stockholm Syndrome, so that we’ll feel the need to protect them as they use and abuse us. They punish their target first, with intoxicating lovebombs that get at the core of the brain’s pleasure center and create the greatest addiction known to man. Then, they exploit this addiction and fortify their abuse with bouts of assurances of their deep love for us in between their torturous manipulations. What happens is, we become conditioned to expecting those lovebombs to start falling again, and they do…when it suits our abuser’s needs. We are coerced into staying and putting up with more by intense psychological control and emotional influence. We are involuntary puppets on a string and cutting those strings is no easy task. The changes in the brain are much the same as a heroine addiction and are not at all “allowed” or voluntary.
Psychological abuse is never as simple as just “allowing” it. We really aren’t given as much choice as those outside of the interaction seem to think that we have or should have. It is a highly complicated and bewildering environment within the confines of non-physical abuse, one that is by no means invited or simply “allowed” by an abusee.
Conditioned consent is NOT consent. Don’t get it twisted.