5 “Martin” Moments That Will Never NOT Be Funny
If you were to follow me for a day, you would swear that I was raised in some weird, alternative universe where everyone has a constant feed of classic Black television shows and films playing inside of their brains at all times. That is the only thing that could possibly explain why I quote a line or sing the theme song from In Living Color, The Jeffersons, Living Single, The Jacksons: An American Dream, Good Times, The Color Purple, What’s Love Got to Do With It, or New Jack City at nearly every quiet moment of every day.
But no show occupies my dome-piece daily like the inimitable Martin. I got it bad, y’all. As bad as “Cole” had it for “Big Shirley” and “Pam” had it for “Denzel.”
So, since these moments are living rent free in my head at every single moment anyway, I wanted to bless y’all with a list of five (and maybe more) Martin moments that will NEVER not be funny. So, here’s the list in no particular order, because it’s impossible to rank Martin moments. Each would be number 1.
1) I don’t know if it was funnier on the episode when “Martin” and “Tommy” went to the DMV and kept having to “Go back to scratch” (“DMV Blues”) or when “Gina” was throwing an office party at her apartment and “Almond Brown” misinterpreted Martin’s flirting thinking it was for him. Either way, both episodes where Bentley Kyle Evans plays the hilarious “Almond Brown” still split my side. When Bentley’s character says, “You so almondy, almond,” and then breaks out serenading “Martin” in falsetto with his own version of Anita Baker’s “You bring me joy.” I bust a gut like it’s the first time, every time!
2) Thank God for Martin’s jealous streaks. Some of the best Martin moments jump off because he is envious of someone else and starts stealing their steelo. Like when Scoopball (“Pam”) and Head Sanford (“Tommy”) keep bragging about a trip they are about to go on and so “Martin” begins saving up cereal boxes to win a free trip to Chilligan’s Island. When they arrive to the God-forsaken place and enter their nasty, “low vibration” room, each moment seems to get worse and worse. But nothing makes me holler laugh like when they see that… thing. It crawls into their room and “Martin” yells at “Gina” who thinks she is seeing a fun pet, warning her that “That ain’t no ____ puppy!!!” At that moment pure hilarity ensues as Martin fights to the death with the weird looking mechanical rat-dog creature, who refuses to take it lying down. As “Martin” tosses and jabs this thing across the room like he’s in a world championship MMA bout, master of physical comedy he is, I literally start having a hard time breathing with the way I am cackling down in my soul.
3) “Martin” and “Gina” have had some interesting experiences with appliances and furniture. Who could forget the Hoshi-Toshi 2000 or the battles of their toasters, stereos and wine glasses when the two are figuring out which furnishings to keep in their joint apartment when “Gina” moves in. But nothing goes to the head like the episode where Gina’s apple dome gets stuck in the headboard of their new brass bed. When she comes swiveling that headboard around the corner out of the hallway and into their living room, yelling and nearly in a panic attack about not being able to get free from the brass bars. I’m literally laughing out loud as I write this, trying not to wake up my one-year-old. I don’t even want to think too much about them welding part of the headboard off and her going in to work and doing a full presentation to “Mr. Whitaker” with a jagged brass contraption hanging off her head, camouflaged by wrapping what looked like a while couch throw around it. It will never not be funny!
4) I can’t say for certain what Martin’s worst character flaw is, but his cheapness has to be up there toward the top of the list. From never tipping at the barbershop, to ordering one beer at Nipsey’s for the whole bar to share, Martin’s frugality knows no bounds. But he takes it to a whole ‘mother level when he stages a rent strike because he doesn’t want to pay his landlord the extra rent money now that his building has raised rates. His heat is shut off in a major Michigan blizzard and he and his friends almost freeze to death because he refuses to increase his monthly rent check. In his own defiant words, “I ain’t payin’ the five!” This makes for television gold as “Cole” goes out to pick up a pizza to settle their starving stomachs (His own gut actually starts talking to him out of hunger: “It’s time to roll, Cole!”). As he ventures out into the blasting blizzard that has somehow caused snow drifts that are all the way up to the third floor, the rest of the gang try to talk and play cards to ignore their hunger pains when “Hustle Man” shows up selling “free range chicken” marinated in pork ‘n bean juice. Y’all. When “Hustle Man” and “Gina” start talking pork ‘n bean recipes (“Naw puddin.’ We use molasses now.” “What? Molassssssesss?”) I almost need to get picked up off the floor every time “Hustle Man” says they need to marinate chicken for “three to two days.” And the fact that the rent increase that has almost gotten Cole frozen to death in the snow getting pizza and made all of the cast miserable all day turns out to be $5. This show is comedic genius!!!!!
5) Because of how cheap he was, Martin sometimes acted a whole fool over his stuff. Nobody was allowed into his apartment if they weren’t gonna “Respect my house!” And he meant it, inclusive of every possession… like his CD player. In the iconic episode “Suspicious Minds” there are so many hilarious moments that I couldn’t possibly mention them all in this short listicle, but when Martin’s shenanigans get so hysterical that “Tommy” breaks character over and over again and is visibly laughing at “Martin” and his stuffed dog! When he tells the dog to sit and it falls over. The fact that he has them all come to the apartment in all black because he’s “settin’ my scene.” This might literally be the best episode of any television sitcom ever. If you don’t agree, argue wit ya mama bird.
While I need to stop the list here so this thing won’t become 3,000 words long, let me just throw some other phrases out at you to laugh at and re-watch later.
Ms. Geri
Ms. Minnie
“Naw, that’s all wrong. You gotta go to work on Myra’s feet.”
“Rent ’em spoons”
“Forever Sheneneh”
(Turns the light on.) “Naw, naw. You got to use your cat eye.”
Chitlin’ Loaf (“This go down easy and don’t come up rough, chief!”)
And I’m sure you can think of a million more because, y’all, Martin is and always will be THAT show. When it’s all said and done, all I can say is, “Martin Payne, you’s a wild boy!!!!!”
