How to start your own restaurant
I see so many people fuck this up. Starting your own restaurant is a surefire investment, as long as you bring the requisite know-how and grit.

So you want to start a restaurant, huh? Maybe you’ve heard it’s a brutally competitive market where few flourish and many whither in debt. Well, guy, you’ve been talking to the wrong people. I’ve been to dozens of restaurants, and I’ve noticed a few weird, strange tricks to the success that you never hear from anyone else; business consultants hate me! Step inside my tutorial of purpose-driven living, grit, and self-actualization.
1. Location, location, location: offer your wife’s body to the city zoning director
(Disclaimer: Unless of course the city zoning director (CZD) is a woman, in which case you should make a male offering to the CZD; or you are a woman, in which case you should offer your husband to the CZD, assuming in this situation the CZD is a woman seeking a male partner; or you are a man married to a man, in which case you better hope the CZD, regardless of his or her orientation, has a taste for phallic intimacy; or you are not married at all, in which case you better get fucking hitched, or just recruit a close and pent-up friend, or hire a third party to do the job, but we don’t want to waste our precious startup capital on escorts, now do we? Or maybe we do, if we’re looking to establish an irrefutable baller reputation around our business. It’s up to you, man, or woman, or any other sentient being you identify as.)
(Ha! Just when you wanted to sound the sexist alarm, I hit you with an aggressively comprehensive disclaimer, which not only embraces the role of women in the workplace, but also of all sentient beings. My awareness of social justice is on the cosmic scale, you bastard.)
(Furthermore, “offer your husband’s body” is just not something you hear in the traditional restaurant vernacular.)
(But still, from this point forward, we’re going to concoct a hypothetical scenario in which your wife sleeps, consensually, with a male CZD. If you have an issue with that, be sure to leave a comment detailing your grievance, and I will repost the same article next week with the genders of all parties involved in this hypothetical, unethical scenario to suit your specific preferences. Are there any lengths I won’t go to to please you, my reader? No, within reason.)
This one is a no-brainer. If you’re serious about succeeding in the restaurant market, you start here. You want prime real estate, at low cost, without having to establish new clientele in an area already infested with other restaurants. So pull out the city map, find a plot with plenty of traffic but far from competitors, and then tempt that poor bloke into a career-threatening, business-building escapade that will force him to comply with any restaurant location you see fit.
To make this strategy even more effective, you could mail a letter to the CZD a week before, let’s say, in which you detail the sexual competence, versatility, and athleticism of your spouse. At first, this may seem awkward, if not bordering on sexual harassment, but if you want to even sniff real success, you need to take risks.
To make this strategy even more, more effective, you yourself could begin a separate affair with the CZD’s spouse a month before this, undermining his marriage and leaving him grasping for a rebound. He will be defenseless against this.
To make this strategy even more, more, more effective, you could watch some programming lessons on Khan Academy, hack your mayor’s Twitter, tweet a bunch of lewd, unspeakable shit to cultivate local political instability, hop back on Khan Academy, take some more advanced programming lessons, hack into the local bank, add a few mil to your account, tweet a dick pick from the mayor’s Twitter to leave the public clamoring for his removal, establish connections with Joseph Kony, use your freshly minted cash to bring him and his infant army stateside, conduct a full military coupe on town hall, declare yourself mayor in a tweet ending with #MAGA so the feds don’t shut you down, cameo in a Khan Academy commercial detailing how much you got out of some basic programming tutorials, have your wife sleep with the city zoning director, execute the city zoning director, find some spineless puppet to act as city zoning director (hey, the Mooch is currently a free agent), plop your restaurant on the swankiest block in town, banish all other restaurants to some poorly ventilated food court, and enjoy the spoils of a successful neighborhood restaurant, not to mention absolute local power.
(At this point, if you’re not impressed with my business insight, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m a damn small business mystic, and you’re getting my scriptures for free. Well, this one at least. If you’d like further business/lifestyle/marriage coaching, contact my partners at Boys Club Consulting, LLC for a quote.)
