Ruminations

medical diagram of ruminative mechanism

hills

Hills are a nice touch on every landscape. Some geographic regions, such as California, are blessed with an abundance of hills. People love this, and flock there by the thousands just to stand and stare at the hills.

Other places are devoid of hills, I’m afraid to say. Such places like Libya and Kansas and Oceania are damned to flatness. That’s just how the plate tectonics rumble, you might say. Ha!

Baltimore

I have never been to Baltimore. Whenever I say this, people always say things such as “what?!,” “You gotta tag along on my next family vacation to Baltimore!,” and “damnnnnn boy what the fukkk.” As someone who always appreciates input in order to Become The Strongest Version of Myself, I will have to take a trip to this Vacation Destination.

jet skis

Imagine a ski plus a jet. Now stop. Now imagine a snowmobile on water. Jet ski.

politicians

The only profession in which the most successful applicant in recent memory has zero job experience and won’t shut his damn mouth about it.

cops

The boys in blue. I hear there are female law enforcement officials now, too. Mostly ok guys who are nonetheless feared by the general public.

parody Twitter accounts

Humanity’s greatest existential threat.

Bill Simmons

Excitable journalist guy living vicariously through professional athletes.

Paul Ryan

Perhaps the greatest example of a human existing without consciousness.

trees

Trees are tall, exceedingly unathletic creatures, much like every backup NBA center.

Trees are also aggressively social, congregating in dense cliques known as “forests.” Trees never close the yearbook, either, as they run (stand) with their squad pretty much their entire pathetic lives, unless a typhoon or some shit rips their damn roots out of the ground and forces them to leave the damn nest for once. Unfortunately, trees are soft as hell and almost never survive stepping out of their comfort zone as such.

high school sports

A competition amongst identity-seeking adolescents for cheerleader/dance team poon in which the most important prerequisite for success is hitting puberty at like age 9.

work ethic

Putting forth lots of effort in order to negligibly change the universe in accordance with one’s arbitrary values.

Jim and Pam

Fictional couple who single-handedly ensured every Millennial marriage falls comically short of expectations.

Pitbull

Spanish: limited working proficiency