Breakups ain’t rocket science
As a single female with many single friends, breakups are often the subject of conversation. No two breakups are the same, and the people involved experience it differently. I empathize with what my friend’s feelings and relate them back to my own range of breakup experiences.
As a scientist, I can’t help but wonder what is going on inside our brains after a breakup that makes us think and act differently than we did before? And how is this different for the one that initiated the breakup and the one that was broken up with?
My friend Tim Crane wrote a song about breakups called ‘Rocket Science’ that inspired me to write about the neuroscience of breakups. Here’s a teaser for the song.
So alone
Today I’m feeling so alone
This ain’t rocket science
This ain’t astrophysics or greek philosophy
I need to be with you, today
I don’t need a doctorate to know that you should be with me
I sick and down beneath the ocean
I falling further from the sky
The fish look at me like I’m crazy — Tim Crane
In terms of the neuroscience of breakups, four main molecular players are dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, and glutamate. The activity of these molecules can explain a good deal of the post-breakup behaviors.
Dopamine
Dopamine is the molecule we know and love for its role in reward, desire, and addiction. A new romantic love interest can skyrocket dopamine activity in the brain. Increased dopamine fuels the desire and constant craving to be with this new lover. After a breakup, heightened dopamine is what gives feelings of withdraw and promotes reward-seeking behavior. Its what makes people do crazy things to see their ex (like over texting, dropping by unannounced, internet stalking) just to feel the reward of seeing them again.
Oxytocin and Vasopression
These two molecules go hand in hand. They work in complicated ways not fully understood, but they are definitely important for social bonding. Usually, higher levels of oxytocin and vasopression correspond to strong social bonds and life-long love. I like to think of them as the rose colored glasses we wear when falling madly in love or suffering through the unrequited love stages of a breakup.
The rose colored glasses that I’m looking through
Show only the beauty cause they hide all the truth
And they let me hold on to the good times, the good lines,
The ones I used to hear with I held you —John Conlee
Gluatmate
Glutamate is necessary for synaptic plasticity, which is the process for creating new and removing old synapses or connections between neurons to facilitate new memories and ideas. Glutamate can drive the thinking of how this new love interest fits in with all your hopes, dreams, experiences, and past memories. Once you’ve been broken up with, your thoughts and memories are replayed in your mind until you undergo and additional round of synaptic plasticity to undo some of re-wring.
Ghosting
Ghosting is a term that comes up a lot these days to describe when someone ceases all contact with previous romantic partner. I empathize with both the ghoster and the ghostee. The ghostee’s brain was likely bathed in neurochemicals that rewired the brain with a focus on the former lover, and the ghostee experiences addiction withdrawal without any explanation as to why the relationship ended. On the other hand, the brain of the ghoster was most likely never over-activated by neurochemical, so the ghoster formed weak social bonds with the love interest, and weak bonds are easy to break.
Next time you hear about a break up through a song or story, think about what’s going on in the brain that might explain the post-breakup feelings and behavior of both people involved. Everyone experiences breakups differently, and it’s interesting to think about why that might be.
TL;DR
Here’s the graphical summary I created when I was drafting this piece.
