A Case for de De-Pepsicocalization of Film

“Art films, the ones most devoid of it.” Robert Bresson

It had been at least 7 years since I watched the Oscars. This year, the curse was broken. I was invited to attend an Oscars watching party in benefit of a courageous Houston based LGBT rights organization. I had a blast. People dressed up in tuxedoes and silky dresses took paparazziesque photos on a smaller version of the mythical red carpet resulting in a ridiculously large smile in my face. The deafening applause and booing that filled the room as celebrities made their way into whatever that fancy place where they host the Oscars is called was amazeballs. Comedy, Glamour, Music, Movies, Winners, Losers, Euphoria and Tears; I witnessed a spectacle of Roman proportion. And ingesting a very large quantity of wine just made it that much more Roman decadent.

The next day I woke up with a headache and a hangover. As I clumsily slurped the spiciest Menudo in the world (accompanied by a bottle of Mexican Coca Cola) I felt very nauseous. In an absolute state of pain I asked myself: What is a competition? I took a bite of my rolled up tortilla and answered: A competition is the organized human endeavor that results in the victory and loss of separate groups or individuals. The creation of a film is certainly an organized human endeavor but, can we say that it results in the victory and loss of separate groups or individuals? I needed more spicy ass menudo to stay awake and focused.

I love soccer. I understand it. Two teams face each other in a tactical/physical/talent match with a ball in hope to score more goals that the other team. The more legitimate goals scored wins. Period.

I love Film. A flickering explosion of images and sound that cause absolute confusion of the brain resulting in an emotional meltdown, despair, epiphany and in the best case scenario embarrassing amounts of sweat soaked in one’s t-shirt. But I don’t understand it.

Unlike soccer, there is no match, no goals and no nets in film. Well some films do have grass and dudes with muscular calves but of this I am certain, if you were to place two films in Wembley they would not score any goals against each other.

At this point, filled with organ meats, hot peppers, oregano and Coca Cola I got home and took a 2 hour hangover killing nap.

I woke up to this question: Why do we pit films against each other in competition? There is absolutely no objective basis to measure any possible match between films nor could we ever seriously determine what film won a competition. Two Gladiators get dismembered by two tigers inside the Coliseum one lasting the attack longer than the other. The guy who lasted longer won right? Unless, the Gladiator that lived shorter fought bravely bringing tears to the crowd along with idealistic notions of heroism. The other guy just ran away in despicable cowardice. Who won?

I took a shower and by now I started to feel somewhat alive.

Ah!!! The film that more people like is the best film. That’s it! What’s more virtuous than Democracy? Nothin’, boom, done. The film with the most “likes” wins. Objectivity!!

Wait, waiter can I have a hold on please, the film that most people like is simply the film that connects with the widest demographic. That sounds like just a race to the bottom to find the lowest common denominator in search of the largest profit. Bullet to the forehead, Film dies.

By now I was ready for a beer again. So I cracked one open (a Lonestar).

Ok so let me regroup. 1. Film is not a sport and yet it is treated as a competition even though there are no objective rules to determine winners from losers. 2. Big is not a promise of quality. 3. I rather see a Gladiator die quicker fighting than see the other guy run around in terror for longer.

Wait, what did I just say?

I prefer a tiny film with huge balls and a small audience than a huge film, so bloated with costs, that must appeal to an enormous slice of People in order to justify its existence. It is not a Competition that we watch when we watch the Oscars or read a review about the Palme D’Or winner or rush to watch the darling at Sundance this year. It is an industry driven spectacle a la Imperial Rome. There is no distinction in the small independent that professional producers and film profiteers boost in some key market, region or demographic and Fast and the Furious 7. It is all spectacle, it is all industry and so the Oscars, Cannes and Sundance are points of consumption, markets and negotiation platforms for distribution deals disguised as the World Cup for the cultured.

Sure. I’ll take another Lonestar. This time paired with a shot of Bulleit.

Ahhh. Ill take another Bulleit please.

Victory in film is its’ own creation. The same film cannot be created twice by different people so any talk about what film is good or bad, better or worse is futile.

The way forward seems so clear now, but it may be the Bulleit talking.

Let’s De-PepsiCocacolize film.

-No industry driven production

-No monopolized distribution mechanisms

-No rules (Im talking to you 3 Act Structure)

-No Competitions or Award Ceremonies

-No race to the bottom in search for the lowest common denominator.

Oh God, looks like it’s gonna be another one of those nights.