Little Don

Here’s a speech I wish someone would have given at the 2016 DNC convention.

The Republicans are now a party in shambles. They’ve splintered, and the leaders of the party have no clue how it happened or how to fix it. They spent the last eight years crying wolf, and then a wolf took control.

They’ve nominated the most shady person in the history of American politics to be president of the United States. Nice going, Republicans. What a historic screw up.

The Democrats ran a long but constructive nomination process, culminating in the first woman to be nominated for president by a major party. Hillary Clinton has served her entire life in public office. She was a senator, a cabinet member, and the First Lady to one of our great presidents.

I can’t think of a better resume to take the Oval Office.

On the other hand, there’s nothing presidential about someone born into wealth who uses his wealth to gain attention and bully people around who have less wealth than he does, so that he can make more money.

I’ve been told to confront people like this head on. So I’ll do that.

Little Don, let me tell you something.

You know as much about world politics as my chocolate lab, Blue. If you wanted to be president, you should have [in snobby English accent] listened to father and attended your private history lessons in the east study room with Sir Henry, your private history tutor.

Little Don, that’s not good enough.

You’re not a blue-collar billionaire. That makes no sense. In fact, there’s a silver spoon stuck so far up your ass, it’s tarnished your hair color.

Little Don, that’s not good enough.

You’ve never held public office, so you’ve never written a bill or voted on legislation. Now you want to be executive of the most powerful government in the world. You’re a contestant on The Bachelor applying to be the CEO of the American Broadcasting Company.

Little Don, that’s not good enough.

You cheat on your wives and treat them like a car lease: “It’s been three years, time to upgrade to a younger model.”

Little Don, that’s not good enough.


No, it’s not good enough. The Republicans deserved better. Hillary deserves a better opponent. One who will elevate the discourse, not take it down into the gutter, which will become the next phase of this election.

Mrs. Clinton, I give you permission to meet Little Don there. It is beneath you, but what is further beneath you is losing this fight because our electorate rewarded Little Don for playing in the dirt, like the little boy he is.

Don’t use surrogates to deliver the biggest blows. Show that you can dish it as well as any alley-fighting man. Then when you’re elected president, wash it off. You’ll never need to stoop that low again.

Immigration and trade deals are not the biggest problems we face right now, not even close. For the next president of the United States, the focus will need to be on:

  • A weakened Europe. Brexit must be contained, because if it’s not, a chain reaction of economic downturn and political fallout will turn Europe back into an early 20th century powder keg.
  • A warmer climate. It’s already been reported that the last 12 months have been the hottest ever recorded globally. This will impact food and water for hundreds of millions of people. That in turn will create radicalization and wars. Presidents care about climate change not because of the birds and the trees. They care because of war and famine.
  • An even stronger America. Our stock markets hit another local high recently. Our companies are still the largest and most innovative in the world. But America needs to continue to fix health care, to put new focus on education and infrastructure. Korea should not have faster internet service than us. Canada should not have better health services.

These are in no particular order. Building a wall with Mexico and screening out Muslims from our borders is Breitbart bullshit, plain and simple. There’s no benefit to us from doing this. Although liberals complain about trade deals too, nationalism to this degree is also destructive. Innovation has costs as well as benefits. The economic specialization of nations will continue to evolve, and we can’t be protectionist with our jobs. That’s short-term thinking.

A good president will keep open trade channels and help the impacted Americans get new jobs. That should be the American way.

Little Don will disappear into the annals of electoral history. He will be a scar on the Republican party from the year when the Democrats again made history by nominating the first woman president.

Let’s elect a real woman.

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