Dinner at a Restaurant

Before starting treatment in June, my ability to eat out was never really affected. To me, it was simple: i adjust the rest of my day to eating a meal away from home, this included how much I restricted or how much a purged. Eating out was no big deal because my eating disorder made room for it. Actually, my eating disorder welcomed it. If I ate out, I could just eat a few bites of a salad and leave the rest. To my eating disorder, it was an decent amount of food (However, not as good as zero bites of salad). As well, it appeared to those that accompanied me as if I had no problem with food. It was the perfect cover-up. Because “what Anorexic girl eats in restaurants?”

I honestly never really understood how eating in a restaurant could be a problem until I started PHP. I realized that other girls really struggled with eating out and I began to struggle too. Each Tuesday, a different restaurant was chosen as the place we ordered lunch from. One of my first weeks, Chipotle was chosen. How was I supposed to eat at Chipotle on top of two other meals and three snacks?! It was unfathomable. I specifically remember crying when trying to measure out my Chipotle ingredients in a bowl. Alex, my dietician, tried to calm me and reassure me that the contents of my meal fit perfectly in my meal plan. But I was convinced that since someone else cooked the meat in a kitchen not in a home that it had to have had twice as much fat. Of course, no matter what I thought or was convinced of, I still had to sit at a table with 8 other struggling girls and choke down my meal.

But after 6 months of treatment it has definitely gotten easier. Instead of crying when walking into the doors of chipotle, I rattle off my complicated order, confident that it fits in my meal plan. It may be a little more of a hassle for the workers behind the counter; however, I can ignore the dirty looks I receive as I negotiate the perfect amount of sour cream as long as it means that my burrito bowl is perfect. Other restaurants have joined the mix such as Panera and Mazah, my favorite mediterranean restaurant. Mediterranean food is prepared perfectly for anyone on a meal plan and equals a stress- free evening. However, even after 6 months on the road to recovery, every meal can easily go very wrong. And my meal tonight was anything but smooth.

First mistake: my family chose a Mexican restaurant. They always get irritated when I’m struggling after a meal but never voiced my concern with the restaurant. However, they don’t get that before each meal, even if it has been a disaster in the past, I am convinced that I can make any restaurant work.

Second mistake: My dad telling me to slow down. I’m a fast eater. It is that way because I like to get everything down before my eating disorder starts screaming at my body. And man does ED have some big lungs. So, of course that slightly pissed me off. It would’ve been fine though without…

Third mistake: My mom moved aside items on my plate and asked, “why is that food hidden?” Uhhhhhhhhh that, I could not let slide. So I decided I was done eating. You’re going to question how I DO eat? Well, what if I don’t eat? Of course that led to the fourth mistake that I should have known was coming if I was deciding not to eat.

Fourth mistake: My mom questioned if I needed to eat more. Of course then I felt like a scene was being caused even if no one at the table heard any part of the conversation. So as I avoided eye contact, I told my mom to leave me alone. I’m just glad I didn’t scream it.

Needless to say, dinner was not good. It was not easy to eat Mexican and it was not easy to be questioned. And somehow, I am still going to have to get up tomorrow and eat again.