My First Six Months

June 21, 2015

This was my first day in PHP as a client for my eating disorder. My first day was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. I was the first client there, waiting to be shown around and to be checked in. As more people entered, I received curious looks from around the room. At the time the looks said to me, “Wow she isn’t that skinny.” And it felt as though every person in the room was comparing themselves to me just as I was doing in return.

After I was shown around, they threw me to the sharks. The first thing I had to do was eat lunch. I can’t pretend that it was that horrible. Honestly, it was kind of easy which made me question my place in such a high level of care. I had skipped breakfast so I had had an empty stomach. Along with that, my meal plan was lower than everyone else’s as all new clients’ meal plans were. However, an hour and a half later, I was expected to eat snack. I have never felt so much consistent discomfort in my life. My stomach was filled to the brim, an experience that caused my eating disorder to scream at me. I spent the rest of my day in silence. I knew that I couldn’t possibly be louder than my eating disorder and was certain that no one would hear me anyway. Plus, I was too focused on trying to make it through the day, completely unsure of my ability to make it through the week. And as I walked out the doors of the Center that day, I felt as if I could never return… But I came back the next day. I just wish I could say that my road to recovery got easier day by day.

July 18, 2015

Instead of a linear road to easy eating, I was on the roller coaster of my life. The roller coaster didn’t make it any easier to keep my food down. If anything, I was not only fighting my urge to make myself vomit, but the urge to relieve myself of the violent hills of the roller coaster that also disturbed my ability to keep food down.

As I pulled into the parking lot at Target, I questioned everything that had brought me to this point in my life. Every choice I had made that landed me in a tiny red car with a British girl named Emma that I had met from treatment. We were on our way to Zanesville, Ohio to visit landmarks that our dietician had told us about. It was a tiny town filled with very little to do but somehow we made a day of it. We went to an antique shop where our friend Liz got stuck in the basement and visited the local high school whose pool was closing down. All of which we documented with a selfie stick to return to treatment on Monday with stories to share. As we were skipping down a random street in the tiny town where everyone knows everyone, I looked to my new friends and said, “Who knew six months ago that I would be walking through a random town with girls from treatment for my eating disorder.” It was crazy to see my life at that point, so unsure of where I was going. But this day helped me form a friendship with girls from treatment that has helped me conquer each hill of this roller coaster and that I hold very dear to me today.

August 22, 2015

I had moved into my dorm at Ohio State University as a freshman. A new start. I had been preparing for this day for my whole life. But the planning got more intense the summer before as I began to get together everything I needed for my room. Not only did I need to plan how my room would be and how I would get to class everyday; but, I also had to prepare how I would stick to a meal plan that was still fairly new to me. Luckily, I had my outpatient therapist Jenny that I still see every week. She helped me deal with the new stressors in my life including my very athletic, very thin roommate and my difficult professor who seemed to hate me in every email she sent. Along with Jenny though, I had the Elephants: Emma, Abby and Liz. My friends from treatment that had become my main support throughout this step in my life. We named ourselves the Elephants after the strong and intelligent animals that we hoped to gain power from (although the name seems very ironic and unhealthy). We worked hard to remain as strong as elephants and to not slip back into the weakness that got us to PHP in the first place.

Emma, Abby and Liz are the greatest support I could have. We all come from the same place and struggle through the same obstacles. Although we each have unique experiences, no one can help you better than someone who knows exactly how you’re feeling.

December 21, 2015

Today, I am a totally different girl than started treatment on June 21st. As I visit Atlanta to see my parents for the holidays, there will be obstacles and hard times that, six months ago, would have broke me. I still struggle to stick to my meal plan and to ask for support from those around me; however, I have learned so much about myself and have grown as a person. I can rely on everything I have learned in treatment to help me become independent in my eating. I can’t say that things are always easier than that first day as I still have bad days. But, I can count on those around me to help me through the journey that I have waiting ahead. And I can be proud of myself for how far I have come.