My stupid crush.

I remember it as if it was yesterday, the first day I laid eyes on him. He was a tall dark skinned boy with a smile of gold and eyes that seemed to shimmer. He walked into the classroom with two of his friends and to my luck, he had taken a seat next to me. Of all the seats in the class, he had decided to sit next to me. I told myself not to look into it too much, I told myself maybe that was just the first seat he had seen. I wasn’t wearing anything special and I wasn’t very pretty so I knew that he hadn’t had an interest in me. But that didn’t stop my feelings. Everyday at school we had 2 classes together and on Fridays we had 3. Seeing him everyday made me feel so good my heart would flutter and my stomach would fill with butterflies. I hadn’t told anyone about him or the feelings I had towards him but I planned to tell a close friend of mine what I had experienced and was still experiencing. Knowing me I knew that it wouldn’t come soon but I’d tell her eventually. She’s not a very private person and told me a lot of stuff. One day she had told me that she needed to tell me something very important during lunch. I had thought it was going to be some drama she heard or some drama she had dragged herself into. Sadly it wasn’t…

When I arrived to sit next to her at our designated lunch table. She said she had a crush on a boy and that she really liked him for some time now. I began to panic as she described all the feelings she had. His face began to picture in my mind hoping she wouldn’t say his name. My heart was beating faster and faster and I began to think to myself “ please don’t say it, please don’t say it. Don’t say his name I beg of you”, I thought.

“ So are you going to guess? ”, she asked me. Taking a deep breath in a began to point at fairly looking guys and started to ask “Him?”. She repeatedly said no. I was frightened I purposely skipped over him and began to point at other random boys. Finally she told me to stop guessing and that she would tell me. And just my luck she said “elais”. My head began to pound almost as fast as my heart. It hurt. Everything about it made me scream on the inside. I couldn’t do anything about she had feelings for the same boy I did and by the way she described she felt the same way. What was I to do? I couldn’t do anything. I began to giggle and support her with “omg” and “so cool”. I couldn’t do anything I’ve always been that supportive friend. There’s no way I could have been negative and been perceived as jealous. God forbid what came next. “ and I think he likes me too”

I hated it. Everything. I hated me. I was envious I was jealous. I began to wonder why I even liked him. He was out of my league. I was ugly. He was handsome. I was this and he was that. Complete opposites and I still thought I had a chance, what an idiot I was. You would think having a good gpa would make you smart. No that’s all wrong. Being good with school and life are completely opposite I was wrong. I made my self dislike him I couldn’t have feelings for him anymore I just couldn’t it would cause me too much pain and I couldn’t handle it.

Then it happened. The first day he had ever spoken to me. “ Do you have a partner?” He asked me. I replied my speech trembling “ no”, “ you wanna work together” he asked. I could feel my heart beating so fast I was sure he could hear it. “ sure, okay” I replied hesitantly.

Elias scooted his desk closer to me. I felt as if I was going to pass out. We worked on our assignment together and although he wasn’t too bright we still had fun. He stated talking about the NBA Christmas game between the warriors and the cavs and said he had been hoping the warriors would win. I looked at him funny like he was crazy and he just giggled back. The cutest giggle I’ve ever seen. I felt my feelings coming back to haunt me and I knew I couldn’t allow it. After class he’d asked if I wanted to play ball with him outside during lunch and I said no. We didn’t talk much for about half the school year because him and my friend had started dating. It really felt bad. Seeing them hangout together and receiving screenshots of their conversations of them confessing their love for each other and stuff. It began to phase me less and less until I completely didn’t having feelings for him anymore he was no one. Then I began to realize that I didn’t have many feelings in general. I never seemed to be angry or happy. I was just chill and I was living life.

Then my birthday came around and my friend had bought me a really nice gift basket filled with lotions, perfumes and shampoos. She insisted that she take me to the movies to watch maze runner with her. It was a good movie and I had the hots for Dylan Obrien and who was I to say no. So we went and to my surprise she had invited Elias too. He said happy birthday to me and gave me a half hug. The smell of his cologne was perfect. During the movie we had loads of fun. Cracked jokes. Threw popcorn at each other. It was great. Life was great I was feeling good no crushes and nothing to worry about.

Then a few weeks later, Elias begins to text me and ask for what my friend might want on her birthday and I told him makeup and other girly stuff. He started to initiate other convos and I was very reluctant with my respones because I didn’t want to be that girl who my friend worried about. I kept it a minimum to a “lol” or “ “haha” not even an “ lmaoo”. Pretty much I gave him a hint that I didn’t wanna talk all that long. Then this man had the audacity to compliment me and say I was pretty and that any man would be lucky to have me even him. That’s what blew me. I told him haha lol cool and just left it at that. He replied with “I’m serious” and I decided I wasn’t going to entertain him and left him on read. A couple days later at school he asked why I hadn’t responded and I lied and told him I had forgot. For whatever reason he texted me the same day after school and said that he had previously liked me before dating my friend. I told him that it didn’t matter anymore and that he was with her and he should focus on her.

I thought I had put it to rest but then the next day my friend came at me crying saying how could I steal her man away from her. I was so confused I asked her what happened. She insisted I knew. I swore I didn’t and she told me the whole story about how he was leaving her for me and what not. My heart Sank again. I had the same feeling when she had told me she liked him but this time it wasn’t out of love it was out of hate. I told her that it wasn’t true and he was lying but of course she didn’t believe me. She confessed about how she already knew since the begging that I liked him and that I would do any thing to get him. I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t angry I wasn’t stressed I was tranquil it was chill. I confronted him about it and he said he had no idea what she was talking about. Ofcourse I knew he was lying and decided to leave him alone I went to go comfort my friend who didn’t want me. I don’t understand how I could learn so much but still be so stupid. She didn’t wanna see me. After a while she came to me after she realized I had been telling the truth the whole time and tried to apologize but I didn’t want it. I didn’t wanna see her. A liar. I couldn’t trust her anymore if that’s how she dealt with things. The two of them started dating again and I’m not friends with either of them and that’s how it ended. I haven’t had a crush since. I realized everything was stupid including me and I couldn’t trust myself with feelings anymore.