The topic of father-daughter relationships has intrigued me for many years, but it wasn't until I was in my thirties, with a daughter of my own, that I needed/wanted to dive deep into the topic. The following is what I have discovered.
The Daddy- Daughter Dynamic. I was a knucklehead when I was growing up. No, I don’t think that knucklehead is an official clinical diagnosis of my mental state, but it is the best way that I can describe my state of mind during late adolescence/early manhood (if I may be so bold to call it "manhood" at that stage). I was a disturbed young man and my decisions reflected that. A repetitive thing that I have done is to continually seek out women in my life who have had what society would term "classic daddy issues". A pattern had developed and I remember my Dad telling me one day, "Son, there could be a room full of 100 women, and if there was one that had issues with their father, you would find her and choose her". I’m a fixer....what can I say.
We as society talk about "daddy issues" in terms of the women, but what if we highlight the issue at it’s base or core if you will, which is the fathers themselves. Let’s be honest, parenting is a crap shoot. A lot of us are just flying by the seat of our pants, with no real plan and little guidance, with most of us only having the example of how our parents raised us as a resource. And herein lies the issue.
You see, there is a perpetual cycle of how our grandparents raised our parents, how our parents raised us, and how we raise our kids. For the purpose of this discussion, I would like to focus on how fathers have raised their daughters. Imagine a situation, which will not be difficult for most of us, where your grandfather did not affirm your mother/aunts through affection, words of affirmation, special gifts, quality time/special experiences (four out of the five love languages), and last but definitely not least, vulnerability. Well, this gets passed down to the women, who go on to select mates of their own....and what happens? They are likely to select a male with some of the same qualities that their father displayed, a male, who, will not affirm his daughters in similar ways as outlined above. The cycle continues.
It is important for a father to show his daughter(s) love in all of these ways, but there are three that I REALLY want to focus on.
Affection: The first time I came across affection as beacon of light for raising children, was in the book: The 5 Love Languages. There was a sentence in the book that talks about affection and how important it was for the development of children. It stated that if it is withheld, it has lifelong negative impacts. The National Center for Fathering says "Studies have proven that physical touch makes us feel better both physiologically and psychologically. But children-especially daughters-need more than just everyday gestures given in passing." It also goes on to say "promiscuous men and women told researchers that their sexual activity is merely a way of satisfying yearnings to be touched and held". Wow!!! In her book "The Gifts of Imperfection" part of Brene Brown's definition of love states "...the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows."
Your daughter needs your hugs and your kisses, she longs for you to hold her, she craves your affection. Withhold these things, and you will impact her and all of her future relationships....FOR LIFE.
Words of Affirmation: In my preparation for this blog post, I stumbled across this moving video below about how women perceive themselves versus how others see them.
You’re More Beautiful Than You Think
https://youtu.be/litXW91UauE
It is my firm belief that a woman's confidence in her abilities and appearance begin with being affirmed by her father. He should be her first love. He should tell her that he believes in her, that she is beautiful, that she can accomplish anything she put's her mind to, and most importantly, that he loves her. Withhold these words of affirmation, and it is quite likely that she will struggle with self confidence, which will not only affect her future relationships, but will also impact her confidence/ability to succeed in school and in the workplace.
Vulnerability: I think that it is important that when talking about vulnerability, I find it to be the lifeblood of ALL successful relationships. When I say relationships, I am not merely referring to romantic relationships, but also to friendships and most importantly, parenting.
I was sitting in on a mentoring session the other day and vulnerability was one of the topics up for discussion. Vulnerability is a hard topic. So much so, that the mere mention of the word causes people to shudder. A discussion ensued and there was a young man in the back of the room and he was talking about how his job as a father was to be the disciplinarian of his children, NOT to be vulnerable. This made my hair stand on end, because I remember being that way with my daughter, and we had a fractured relationship as a result. His description of his parenting style prompted me to ask him "So how are you with your wife?" He responded that he was completely open and vulnerable with with his wife. The cycle continues.
In my opinion, vulnerability with your daughter means that you can apologize and you can admit that you are wrong/were wrong. I don't think that these are exclusive to the father/daughter dynamic, but I find them to be extremely important for this discussion. Vulnerability with your daughter also means that you show her more than just the one emotion that most men do well: anger. It is important that the vulnerable emotions: joy, sadness, pain, and disappointment are also shown. These things are hard for men because for the bulk of us, we are taught to be "tough" and that vulnerability is weakness...vulnerability is not what "real men" do.
Show affection, give affirmation, practice vulnerability with your daughter and you will forge an unbreakable connection with her. Being a father to a daughter is a great responsibility, one that I don’t think most men take seriously enough. Do it mostly right, and you will likely have molded a little girl into a beautiful, confident person who will go on to be a great woman, mother, wife, leader...etc. Do it mostly wrong and....well....the cycle continues.
http://rdlesstravwellness.blogspot.com
Your Daughters Need Your Affection
Dad http://www.fathers.com/s7-hot-topics/daughters/your-daughters-need-your-affection/
You Influence How Your Daughter Sees Herself http://www.fathers.com/s7-hot-topics/daughters/dad-you-influence-how-your-daughter-sees-herself/
