Google Cancels Self-Driven Car Program after Field Test in Hyderabad

From the NNS bureau desk of Krish

Google has cancelled its highly touted self-driven car program. An innovation that was going to change the world, it has faced some recent criticism after its disastrous test in the South Indian city of Hyderabad.

In a single day of real-time testing in Hyderabad, the Google car was involved in no-less than six incidents. It was pulled over twice by the traffic police. Once for violating the “not being driven by the driver in driver’s seat rule” introduced earlier in the day to enable the fulfillment of end-of-month challan quotas. Later in the day the car was pulled over for behaving aggressively with a Traffic Cop who pulled it over for behaving aggressively. At the same stop the car was also found guilty of drunk driving when it recorded some value on the non-functioning breathlyzer of the Cop, who just knew that it was drunk.

In a hushed up incident, rumored to be settled out of court, the car has also been accused of street harassment and eve-teasing by Socialist Leader Vijaya Kumari’s daughter Viplava Jhansi. Google has apparently made a sizeable donation to her NGO “Jhadu”, which gives fashion makeovers to street sweepers.

Besides the violations, the car was also involved in three accidents. The first happened on the bustling Rd.1 of Banjara Hills, where auto-rickshaw driver Faisal “Sallu” Ahmed rear-ended the vehicle while it switched lanes. Sallu said that he noticed the car turn on its blinker, and did not know what to do in such a situation. He also went on to say “Unku rules-vules se chalana hai to Dubai mein karo bolo. Dubai mein sab log rula follow karte suna mai. Mera bhai, mamu ka beta, vahich kaam karta. Heydarabad ka logan aise hi bekaar chalate.”

The second accident involved renowned contractor/politician Pallituri Subba Krishniah’s grandson Pallituri Krishna Chaitanya. Chaitanya, who is known as “Vicky” among his friends, is an upcoming actor with one movie credit and a budding entrepreneur with investment in the posh-upscale American coffee gourmet connoisseur brand Starbucks. His chauffeur driven SUV was just returning from a car styling session during which his family name was put on its windshield. The poor vehicle was not even a day old when it got its first scratch after t-boning the Google car. Vicky’s driver was just trying to make a three-point turn on the Abids main road, and ended up running into the Google Car during his sideways reverse into the incoming traffic. Vicky was not available for comment as he is on vacation in Europe, but he posted the following message on facebook “India is gr8st cntry n d w0rld. If Google wnts to sucess in India, it hs 2 get Indian values n care 4 the opinion of the youth. Youth power is future” Vicky is also rumored to be running in the next election for the Pallituri Constituency, following in the footsteps of his grandfather, grandmother, father, uncle, brother-in-law, cousins, and sister.

The third accident finally ended the wretched car’s day when it was driving at the irresponsible speed of 50 km per hour alongside a TSRTC Bus. The bus driver, offended that anyone smaller than his vehicle was trying to overtake him, dealt with the car as any self-respecting bus driver in Hyderabad would and suddenly swerved the bus into the car’s lane. This uncomputable behavior fried the car’s motherboard and lead it to crash into the divider tearing the car into two neat halves due to the protruding metal pipes. The Driver is unavailable to comment due to his participation in a TSRTC Bandh Dharna over stronger safety measures for Bus Drivers.

Newly promoted Indian CEO Sundar Pichai is reportedly speeding up research on Google’s quantum computing models in order to meet India’s traffic demands, and relaunch the program in a decade or so.

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Krish is the lead science news expert for the News N Such news bureau. As Ananthachandra Ramakrishan Iyer, he was the Senior Sports Editor at Sportstar where he wrote a weekly 45000 word column on the beauty and grace of cricket strokes. In his 95th year now, he still firmly holds the belief that Ramanathan Krishnan’s sweeping graceful backhand was the greatest integral primal force in the history of tennis, and was only ineffective because of colonialism.

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