statement

I have made about 14 changes to this, and I know its still not good enough.

My initial Instagram stories were things I said while I was once again talking when I should have been listening. Perhaps even now is too early to be talking.

When the stories first started coming I wanted to dismiss so many of them due to the context they were being portrayed in. And it appears everyone whos maybe ever encountered me has a story about something ive said or done that was not okay to say or do. I accept that my whole makeup was inappropriate, that my personality was not okay, that even the little things matter, every off joke or statement or moment, every photo, everything, wrong.

I didn’t believe I was operating from an evil or dishonest space or especially not a predatory place. I was telling myself I am a good person. I wasnt and i am not. I would say I’ve made mistakes, and I wasn’t to know. While there may be some element of truth to that in a very minimal way, I now have come to realise that if so many people believe I am capable of either consciously or unconsciously manipulating a situation to suit me and serve in an unpure way then I should 100% be listening to that and that they are right. And there is a lifetime worth of these stories, I know them all, some im reading, I remember well, some I’m surprised to read, the comfort and tone in which it was all originally received seems to have changed and I understand why. The benefit of the doubt that I am at heart a good/honest person has been removed from me in the eyes of everyone I know, a part of me disagrees with this but I understand why completely and these stories of me which go as far back to when I was a teenager myself, has led to everyone now remembering me as evil, dishonest, manipulative and a perverted man, opinions that when I look into my own mirror I don’t entirely deny.

It wasnt upto the other person to stop me from talking about sex, or my penis. Or to have them stop me from showing them my penis in any way shape or form. It was on me and so is the discomfort I caused. There isn't blurry lines either in professional settings and or everyday life, there are clearly marked ones that I took it upon myself to blur with a complete disregard of the consequence or comfort of the other person, to those people who are victims I am sorry.

I was telling myself there is nothing wrong with asking someone if they are comfortable shooting nudity, or in sheer clothing, I was saying thats me doing the RIGHT thing.. checking to see what someone is comfortable doing? I was wrong, if someone wanted to shoot that, they would've said so, which some had done, most had not. Most tried it out because they were ‘open’ to it, but that didnt mean they wanted to.

I’ve spent many years making mistakes and learning from them and it seems learning very little from most of them. In all different ways, I’ve always been a “I have no filter” person. I was somewhat proud of it too I thought my open ways of being positive toward sex and nudity and encouraging topics of sex in conversation and variations of nudity in photos was a comfort I made people feel. I was clearly deluded by that. And again wrong for it.

I abused my power. And have displayed pure misogyny in more than just my professional career but also in my personal life, with conversation and other actions to people who tried and failed to stop me. This wasn't their fault.

I have shared things that were not mine to share. Under the cover of and the innocence of, its ‘art’ and or my photo though I must stress I never did this in a derogatory way. Regardless this wasn't and never is okay, the women in my life who I know, who I've worked with, They are sisters, mothers, friends, wives, partners, they need protecting from men like me and I have failed that. When any woman is hurt by a man, all women are hurt by men.

My self awareness was another thing I somewhat had pride in, it’s clear I lack so much now that I have a lifetime worth to regain.

People have called for my destruction and I can assure you that has occurred, this is no plea to change or defy that, I accept the destroyed state, I deserve it, good friends, good job, and a good home, are all things I was privlidged to have had and I abused that. Those things are now not there for me. There is nothing left for me to lose other than my physical self/life. In saying that..

I’m removing myself from the society I was in to figure these things out and get the help needed and I will not return to the photography world ever. And I ask for the time to do this. I would also like to note I have started to begin wiping my hard drives and all dropbox folders of shoots created over my time as a photographer and that they will be permanently deleted, no ones photo will ever be misused. As this has financially crushed me, I will endeavour to sell all my equipment and pay back any outstanding 50% booking fees, of which most of these artists and I have already been in contact.

I have dissapointed many people in the music industry and for that I am sorry, I will never try re enter that space.

I know exactly where to start in my own reformation and it was a place I went in less than 24 hours of being called out. Therapy, and education and once again listening. It’s scary to think I can believe I was good and operating in ways that were acceptable and be so so wrong. That I as a man could influence a person to fake feeling comfortable or worse not notice that they were uncomfortable around me. I never thought I forced ideas into people but it’s clear I have. It’s abusive. While I’ve lost my friends my money my job and my home I have no other person to blame so dont feel sorry for me as I don’t feel sorry for myself. Everything was a choice and while I believe my head is ill, I refuse to use it as an excuse.

The thing I’ve ignored for so long in my life is my own abuse. The abuse inflicted on me in the past seems to be the thing I never dealt with, the thing that brings this demon out of me, this part of me I ignore to be true. A part of me everyone else saw. While for each individualised story I may find in some form or way of changing the context and pleading my innocence or my lack of knowledge to the truth of it, the reality is people see me better than I see myself. My money is going into therapy and I absolutely will be spending maybe all my life trying to fix what I’ve done and also to never make the same mistakes again. My heart hurts for everyone I’ve upset and made feel this way. Again I don’t feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for others. It was my choice to not deal with my own trauma and thus inflict pain onto people in common settings and relationships and all situations. A history of oppression is what led to these women never in the moment letting me know how they felt, never telling me to shut up or that they didn’t wanna do that look, a history of oppression let them go along with the perversion of my mind, one I believe I had very little control over and covered up with the term ‘art.’ To the point where I completely denied its existence. It’s very much too little too late for most of this. But I do hear, see and believe how people felt about me and how I made them feel and for that I am sorry. I hold myself accountable and again will work endlessly to one day be able to forgive myself and hope others can do the same, I know that many won’t. And I understand why.

There are people close to me and far from me who I owe detailed and heartfelt understanding conversation too and apologies. People who I love and care for with all of my heart. People throughout my whole life, who I’ve made feel uncomfortable.

I use to believe I had a raised by the wolves mentality that I used as an excuse, I had no real family role models but the reality was that changed around my late teens and that excuse was no longer valid. I had good people who I thought I was listening to, but I wasn’t. The I know better voice in my head was always the loudest. The excuse would scream inside of me and tell me some people accept you for who you are so listen to those people they are right. But they weren’t right, who I was, who I am, is not right, it’s broken, it’s painful, I’m an echidna, if you touch me you will get hurt. I know this to be true because I think almost everyone in my life, close or far, I’ve hurt in someway shape or form, be it with my words first or second hand and or with my actions. I truly loved what I did for a job I love music and film and art, those things cured depression, anxiety and loneliness. Or at least they acted as a band aid to them. Those three emotions are ones I’ll have for sometime now, I deserve them, and I’m sure they will leave once I’m in a state of healing. It’s clear they were always there. I have a sick mind, it’s nothing short of an illness to be who I was and so deluded all at once. This is not an excuse, for its my illness I knew I had, and ignored.

For the first couple of days I was telling myself that not knowing people were uncomfortable was something that made it somewhat okay. But really it’s something that makes it so much worse. I understand that. And a part of you always knows whats right or wrong.

I haven’t put this out to make this go away, it won’t go away and I don’t want it to. I need to listen to your stories as much as you need to tell them. I want to be better and to do good I want to erase who I was from the future me but I’ll never forget who I was either. I want to be the example that scares the shit out of other men. If you are sitting around at home thinking you’ve spoken in ways I have or done things I have done, I’d be afraid, because rightfully so the voices are getting louder, and once I’m healed and with the permission of a community that also needs healing from me I myself would love to be adding to those loud voices, I’ll be handing out microphones to women left right and centre. All people in-fact, and this is not to say my help is whats needed, but more that everyones help is needed. Safe spaces need to be created every single day, in the smallest of moments, one sentence is all it takes to make a person feel small. I hope one day I get to be a part of that culture of creating safe spaces.

While I am so far from that place now and some people may take that as me trying to make myself some kind of future“hero” which I am not, I’m simply saying, I don’t want to just unlearn my own bad behaviour I want to learn how to fight for oppression, I want to reform my whole being. I want to teach men that it isn’t women who have to set the boundaries all of the time, that men should have their own boundaries especially in the photographic/art world. Men need to be the ones to protect women from men. Women shouldn't have to learn to defend themselves against the presence of a male.

Men should be censoring their ideas and there voices, men should be being respectful. Which is really what it comes down to. Respect. I know I don’t have all the answers right now and I’ve probably said the wrong thing in here too. But I mean it when I say I’m listening, I am here, while I am very much secluding my life and going down a dark and scary path of self discovery and healing. I am by no means trying to run from it all. I’m running to it. I’m unsure how publicly I can do that but for now there is this. For all the people I’ll never truly get to apologise to, know that I am unbelievably sorry for the pain I’ve caused, that I understand and believe you when you say I caused you that hurt, discomfort and abuse. For all the people who thought highly of me and still now are showing empathy and attempts of understanding, I am sorry. I truly am. To my best friends who are my family. I hope in time I can be accepted back into the greatest love I’ve ever known. I know many of you have stood by me in all situations and I know this time you wont, and I understand and support you, this is not your fault. I know my words here wont change much either. I know my change has to be proven.

Saying sorry in a big piece of text is not enough and I know that also. I’ve told myself and others I am a Christian and someone who believes in god. While I do believe in god, I’ve ignored god almost my entire life. I’m listening now, knowing people are praying for me and again with the knowledge that for most moments this is all too little too late on my part.

The patriarchy absolutely exists and I abused my privilege with in it. As I go down I want to bring it with me. All of this I promise is not an attempt to make people think ‘oh cool he knows now all good leave him be,’ this is all just the start. This is just step 1 I have many many steps to go. This long piece of writing is me saying I know where step 1 is, and if I’m wrong please let me know. Because again for possibly the first and only time in my life, I’m listening.

I support whole heartedly the movement Jaguar Jonez is creating, and I know there are other men And they simply are just everywhere. I’m embarrassed and ashamed to be one of many and to also have had knowledge of others and not spoken up about it, to the people who have told me about their own experiences with others, please see this as proof, you can and should tell people. Almost every woman I know has a story. And now many have me and my words as their story. To the men who are reading this and know they themselves are beyond questionable and know they are someones story, start apologising now, but know it's not enough and your time will also soon be up.

And while it’s painful as I become the poster boy of what’s not okay. If the result of that is that men everywhere in the art community do better, acknowledge their own wrong doings and eventually also find themselves so deeply needing to change and one day fight for women, then I am more than okay with that.

Again I am more than the warning, I am the proof that men even and especially the ones who are telling themselves they are good, are very capable of the exact opposite. I am the absolute proof, it wont be tolerated.

So all of this is just words for now, it’s all it can be, I need time to turn the words into action and I need belief and support to also do that. While I’m not expecting those last two things I will appreciate them from everyone who offers them to me. There’s no excuses, there’s just ownership now, acknowledgement, apologies and healing. I believe this is a chance to change and turn myself and a whole community into someone and something beyond acceptable. While I can’t remove pain and hurt from some or even all of these moments, I can prevent future moments, I can stop other men, I can give more people a voice. And I plan to do all of that when the time is right.

Again, while it means very little in words as true apologies are actions, I am sorry to all of the people I have hurt.

While I’m sure with some shifty manipulative bullshit lawyer I could claim defamation in some of these instances, I absolutely will not go down that path if I don’t have to. I want people to know that. I created my work under re._stacks and the reason why I did that is because I was once before called out for behaviour that was not okay, I told myself they were just sensitive and that I’ll be right and that my ways aren’t that bad and made a slight change that did nothing. I was absolutely wrong. I am an abuser. While I like to keep some anonymity for the sake of my own physical well being I want it again to be clear that if the things I have done result in me having to apologise to people or many people in even a courtroom, or result in me having to face a charge, I will face that. I believe that in regards to sending dick pics and saying things like I have said in conversation that, sadly there isn’t much law around these things, there is however around harassment and there is absolutely clear instances of this that I would never deny. I believe the grey area of the law should be changed. It absolutely should be illegal to send a photo of your penis to someone who doesn’t want you to. It’s indecent exposure plain and simple and it’s a loophole that needs to be removed. It’s sexual assault. I saw another tweet talking about how the law silences victims and thats why they dont speak. This is something I also agree needs to change. I really mean all of this. If I am to learn this lesson, this already gut wrenching life ruining lesson I must learn it to the fullest and or the most appropriate extent.

I hope people can see I am trying here, in someway. That I have an amount of remorse I cant actually put into words and that writing this is scary for me but is very much something I feel I had to do. I don’t know if I have ever actually seen true accountability? So I’m just having my best go at it. I promise while it’s clear my head is sick, that my heart is good. Some people may never believe that. And I understand that this is all too late, the damage is done. I’m getting the help and doing the work. And I truly don’t expect things to change over night, or maybe ever for some people and how they feel toward me now.