Beasts of the Birmingham wild

By JH Daniel

Political pipelines, gas pipelines and more. Things in Alabama have ruptured and are spewing hazardous materials everywhere, so yeah. Another Monday in the Magic City. Could be the apocalypse, but it’s probably just corruption mixed with a blend of petroleum, crumbling infrastructure, four dead animals the Feds found near the pipeline and a bunch of bullshit that no one will ever find. Slick, gasoline rainbows on poisoned puddles for the win.

Why did Colonial’s pipeline burst?

A section of the world’s largest pipeline by volume failed/burst/cracked/ maybe had a nervous breakdown on S̶e̶p̶t̶e̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ ̶9̶, or probably before then, and no one seems to know why. Who cares when we can all just have a gasoline paranoia party instead? People in Asheville, North Carolina are “freaking out,” according to The Citizen-Times. To be fair, everyone is always freaked out in Asheville. Damn hippies.

According to a corrective order issued by the Feds, which can be read here, the exact location of the failure on Pipeline One is unknown. Was it similar to what happened on Virginia’s Pipeline Four in 2015, when a crack in a dent at the bottom of it allowed 4,000 gallons of gas to leak out? Check out that corrective order here.

Alabama’s pipeline failure released 250,000 gallons of gasoline, and no one has yet to say why. But the crack(s) in the Virginia section was identified, and a detailed description of it made its way into the corrective order that was issued. Just sayin’. On another note, Colonial seems to be playing nice with everyone, especially Cahaba River Keeper, so there’s that. It’s all weird. Birmingham, you can make like Asheville and freak out now. We’re sure there’s a conspiracy theory or two in there somewhere.

Stranger Things

The Alabama Attorney General’s Public Corruption Unit is setting up a special grand jury, according to multiple media reports like this one. Who are they investigating? reports that, “Some close to the Birmingham Water Works Board in recent weeks have said investigators from the state have begun to ask questions about operations there.”

Alex, we’ll take Questionable Contracts for $1000. Like this one. Or this one. Or could it be something to do with this one that was suddenly terminated? Who will take the lion’s share of the blame? Legal Schnauzer says it’s a race thing. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

The Feds are also looking into things around these parts. An embezzlement scheme that has already resulted in one county employee being fired, is the focus of a criminal investigation by the FBI.

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