“With a Little Help From My Friends” by Coach Anurag

With A Little Help From My Friends

Working as a solopreneur in the last couple of years has given me a fresh appreciation for friends and friendships. Don’t get me wrong — friends have always been a big part of my life. What caught me by surprise was the realization that not all friendships are created equal.

To explore this further, I asked two questions:

1. What makes some friendships more impactful than others? What is it that happens differently in these friendships?
2. Is there a formula to “unlock the power of our friendships?”

Using the lens of the above questions, I examined all my friendships over the years and looked for common behaviors across the ones that influenced me the most. Here is a summary of what I found:

1. How will you know if I won’t tell you? In my most impactful friendships, I noted that we routinely share what is going on and update each other on the important stuff. For e.g., they may not know that I am actually miserable after I got that coveted promotion. And that it has nothing to do with work itself. Such sharing is hard work. Especially since there are times, when we are sharing something profound and the same friends either don’t pay enough attention, or worse, don’t take it seriously. Because it is important to us, we tell them again. And again. Till they get it. (My friends are not perfect, in the same beautiful way that I ain’t, either.)
2. Can I trust you to care? My most impactful friendships are comfortable and trusted relationships where we feel welcome to share deeply personal thoughts and ask each other, uncomfortable but necessary questions. I already covered sharing in the previous point. Asking, especially about what went unspoken, and following-up, on what was shared, came a close second. I suppose these are ways to show we care and caring builds the trust and comfort.
3. Let’s cut to the chase! There is a foundation of mutual respect and shared values that helps access important topics almost immediately (without the need for tedious small-talk to set things up.) It is less about how often we meet or for how long. It is more about, how openly, and how well, we connect whenever we do meet.
4. Stop talking and really listen. It is not that we give great advice to each other. (Often, we do.) Or that we agree on everything all the time. (We don’t.) What I see across all my impactful friendships is how we give each other space and really listen to each other.Not always but most of the time. Often, these friends have more confidence in my abilities than I have myself. When they challenge me, I feel understood and not judged. When they do judge, they are willing to change their views when new information is made available.
5. Ignore the touchy-feely at your own peril. Friendships deal with everything, not just the happy and fun stuff. All emotions including anger, resentment, frustration, envy, pride, embarrassment, sadness, and more, show up between friends. So we fight, sulk, get passive-aggressive, poke each other, stop talking, avoid,…whatever it takes, to deal with them accordingly. I noticed that how I deal with emotions in these friendships is invaluable as that usually becomes my go-to-template for how-to-handle similar situations in all my other relationships.
6. What do you really want from me? Our calls routinely start with a candid “I just felt like calling,” or an open “So, what are you up to?” The purpose of friendship is friendship. There is no other goal. The ones with goals eventually turned out to be no friendships at all.
7. How could you do that to me? We go out of the way for each other but only if we can. These friendships are not unconditional. Saying ‘No’ is always an option. We constantly question and let each other know what works for us and what doesn’t. The fact that we can say ‘no’ allows us to almost always counter-offer “No. But how about I do this instead?”
8. What did you get me? The most valuable gifts friends bring are their time and attention. (Though for some odd reason in this past year, coffee machines seem to be a close third).
9. What do we talk about? There is no topic that is too personal or too embarrassing to bring up in such friendships. If we can think about it, we talk about it. Sometimes we talk to share, sometimes to vent, and sometimes to seek perspective and advice. Most friends have seen me across a continuum, so fascinating insights emerge from just that. I often find myself using the safe space of friendships to say what is going through my mind, aloud. I don’t know what good it does for my friends but it helps me immensely.
10. You look familiar, eh? We can meet after decades and re-start like we were never apart. Such friendships do not come with expiration dates.

Looking back, I can see how these behaviors from my friends, e.g., sharing, listening, asking, following-up, giving time and attention, setting and respecting boundaries, asking ‘uncomfortable but necessary’ questions, caring, not ignoring feelings, reaching out even after long gaps, not seeking but connecting ‘just because they felt like it,’ opened me up from being a grouch to an enthusiastic chatty rat (willing participant) in more than a few of my own friendships. I can also see how in other friendships, I took the lead with these behaviors.

So, if I can offer the formula to unlock the power of our friendships, it is simply: Be a better friend to get more out of your friendships. These behaviors, when used consistently, allow us to elevate our existing friendships all by ourselves.

P.S. It is embarrassing to admit (but undisputable) that I do not practice these behaviors consistently across all my friendships. The surprising realization I talked about at the beginning of this post, is not so surprising after all. If I do not invest in them equally, how can my friendships be all equal in their impact on me? I wonder though, how I choose the handful of friendships that I do invest in. (I certainly did not choose my friends in the first place, at least not all of them.) Perhaps it is a follow-up topic to ponder some more about. When I do get my thoughts together, I look forward to sharing it with you here.

Meanwhile, I would love to hear from you! Did anything in my list surprise you? What are some other ways you recommend to ‘unlock the power of our friendships?’