Honey, to say that I feel your pain would be an understatement. I have been going through the same cycle of consistent trial and failure on and off for two years, ever since the onset of a severe case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I had already moderately had my entire life but didn’t know it. It destroyed me, and it is also one of the most cunning disorders in existence.
And although our diseases are different, I’m also addicted, but my substance of choice is the illusion of safety. I’d do anything for that high, for any number of times, and for however long it takes. And every time I say it’ll be the last time. My recovery plan has changed countless times, and I’ve relapsed more times than I’d care to admit, but that’s not the point.
The point is this: Losing the battles doesn’t mean you’re losing the war. If the recovery plan is not working, change it. If depression is trying to fuck with your head, do NOT engage with it. If you feel like you have nothing to live for, live for the hope of tasting the pleasure of knowing you didn’t let it win.
I am personally yet to taste that pleasure, but that’s not the point. Our hearts are still beating, Jenny, so let’s try to get there. Let’s keep fighting for it.
Don’t miss your appointment next week, Jenny. I’m rooting for you with all my heart. Please try again. Please fight. It will be bloody, but when you come out the other side still standing, it’ll be fucking worth it. I believe in you. And if you ever feel like you’re alone and that no one understands what you’re going through, like I often do, just know that I’m going through the same thing as we speak, and I understand. I understand.