5 Turning Points in a Relationship.
If you want to turn yours into a great one, read on.
He was perplexed, struggling to make sense in the wake of their relationship.
Not so long ago they were at a high point. Snuggled up on the couch with popcorn, watching their favorite TV series. It felt like yesterday to him.This couple had been together, with their share of ups and downs, for the course of a year.
Watching my friend shake his head with a deep sigh, as he recalled their good memories, I asked a couple of questions to find out a little more about how their events unfolded. From what I heard, and what I knew from spending time with them when they were still together, I noticed a clear and misguided pattern that causes breakups of many couples. But this misdirection can be corrected with greater understanding and awareness.
And it all kicks off from the top.
“The beginning is the most important part of the work.” — Plato
1. Keeping One’s Head in the Clouds
From the first date they had hit it off. She often laid her head on his shoulder,
laughing intently at his jokes . Intimate whispers and beaming smiles. And don’t get me wrong; relationships are much about having fun with each other, creating lasting memories, and bringing happiness to each others’ lives. That’s why we all get into them. We long for the perfect relationship.
However, as the months breezily passed, one aspect eventually surfaced, showing something was off with the couple: they never took a step back to appreciate that they were on a honeymoon. Well, not on a honeymoon. They were…. in a honeymoon. In a period called the honeymoon phase, there is an explosion of endorphins, which continue on in the minds of lovers for 6 months to a year. It is a time when couples idealize each other, even to the point of becoming illogical. Call it drunk love. A good study shows the fact that during this early, mesmerizing, magical phase, partners show more activity in the ventral area of their minds. Feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine is released in larger amounts, generating blissful feelings. This time was relished by the couple for good reason. But issues began to bubble up while the honeymoon phase tapered off, as honeymoons eventually do. Mood-enhancing dopamine is lulled back to normal levels. But maturing to the next stage was challenging, they weren’t prepared for some certain changes looming.
2. Arguments Over Small Things
It’s not a bad thing to return. Time can age solid chemistry and relationships, like a fine wine. But it’s easy to astray from the road to Napa Valley. One area that is sure to forge an impact, for an better or for worse, is jumping in the octagon against your lover. If you want a fine wine, and I know you do, it requires striking a balanced understanding of how to argue, and why to argue, but diving deep into that is best suited for another article. For now let’s get to the bare bones of it: mostly, don’t be dumb about it. They fell into their first “heated argument” from disagreeing over where to eat dinner, he said.
They were groggy, grouchy and wouldn’t budge to agree on a spot from a handful of choices. You’ve heard about this situation before. “Where do you want to eat tonight?”. “Hmm I don’t know…you pick”. “Why don’t we go to either of those new Mexican food restaurants?”. “No…I don’t want to go there.” Cue annoyed grimaces. But really, they continued on until there sparked a full fledged argument.
A sexier approach for these two would have been to relax, take a slow step back, and take a deep breath. Relax. If it’s a 3 or less on the grand scale of life importance, and you’re pissed about it, that’s misguided energy. There’s no simple answer for how they would have scaled back their inner conflict, because it likely spilled over from over situations, but why add kindling to a fire that you don’t want? And it’s all kindling, just built up. Anything more, like firewood, and you’re stepping into values territory, which we’ll talk about more in the next section. So pull it back. You’ll feel and come off as wiser for it. You’ll be wiser. Because your time is too short and too valuable to fall for foolish gambits. If the dispute might be rooted in something deeper, draw a line and hold what is important to you always, but it truly is an opportunity to bond if done right. Just always keep you coolness tucked firmly into your front pocket, to an extent.
3. Misaligned Values
“Don’t let your special character and values, the secret that you know and no one else does, the truth — don’t let that get swallowed up by the great chewing complacency.” — Aesop
She sometimes harped about his enjoyment and time investment with poetry.
He sometimes grumbled about having less time to spend with her.
The word ‘values’ is thrown around a lot, overused, and it is often brought up in conversation vaguely. So let’s break it down. Values are actions or
things with an emphasis of importance in your life. Some examples of values:
- Family: Prioritizing time with whomever you define to be family.
- Passion: Bring to reality an enthusiasm for an activity, goal, etc. despite the costs — the sacrifices that it may bring.
- Integrity: Adhere to honesty and moral actions. Could integrate with one’s religion or spirituality.
- Well being: Accepting only generally positive relationships that contribute to health, happiness, comfort, and so on.
4. This Fell too Steeply
According to researcher Dr. John Gottman, an important measure of lasting relationships is the 5:1 ratio. Not an exact science here, and it isn’t meant to be, but partners should say around five positive things to each other for every one negative. But this isn’t a rule to be forced. Interactions should come organically. It’s a measure of the overall well being of a relationship. This couple went from having a 5:0 ratio during their honeymoon, hardly saying anything negative, to half and half. If they had a more practical approach during their honeymoon, willing to put in some work, there would have been no steep drop off. If they put forth the effort it takes to make a real relationship work, such as facing any real issues, and taking time to communicate and maintain harmony, they would have been in a much better emotional place. This is just as much a symptom as it is a behavior; it was the marker of a turning point in the relationship, for various reasons, but some of the main reasons are the ones you read above. The relationship still could have been turned around.
5. Not Allowing For…
By now it was clear that their romance was on a bit of a downward spiral. It was not over, however; but still they both wanted to make it work, admitting that they missed the old days, how it used to be. “I want some space for a couple of weeks, baby.”, she asserted one calm summer day. He reluctantly
agreed. Afterwards, there was a period of no seeing each other, no phone calls, still the occasional ding from a text. But patience wouldn’t hold out for too long, regrettably. She asked for some space, and it was time to give space. An opportune time to focus on his own life and even lighten up. But the
text messages eventually increased, and there was even some pleading for things to return to normal, without the space. And you’ve seen this play out before. She (understandably) explained she felt smothered, the messages didn’t stop, and boom — it was finished. This avoidable course happens all too often.
Grow From The Initial Heartache
“Every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.”
- Napoleon Hill
The pattern woven above happens a lot to couples who break up. Continue on living without taking lessons, which some do, and it’s stunning how many times people can repeat a cycle of similar relationships and breakups. But it is always possible to revitalize relationships by laying out the right groundwork. Eventually get your head out of the clouds, steer clear of arguments over small things, set your values in alignment, see the glass half full, and respect space when it’s necessary. There are plenty of opportunities to grow relationships, or if one has ended to seek and find even better ones. Follow these rules and you’ll see a relationship that is in a much more resilient and healthy position.
