If I go, don’t say sorry
I slept for three hours only, but my head doesn’t hurt; my brain works totally fine, and even though it’s already late, I’m not sleepy. I believe my resistance grew. Not completely, not my resistance to you.
Let this be the last night, shall we? Anyway, you don’t really need me, do you?
Ever since the day I developed feelings for you, I became capable of doing anything I could to help you when you’d need me. But you don’t need me.
The words I’m okay or I’m alright kept flowing so many times I’ve lost count of. No, nothing was actually alright, but there was nothing more I could have possibly done but ask. My powers were too limited and they still are.
I cannot just simply force myself in your life, when in fact, you don’t want me there. I think what hurts the most is to be set aside, to fell useless to the one you love. Especially when you know that whenever you feel down, sad or happy, there’s only one person that comes to your mind. Not even your mom, dad or sister occupy that special place, but him.
It hurts to know I’m powerless. Or maybe I am not, but that’s how you make me feel. It’s just like there is no way I can help you through, and once again I say, you don’t actually need me. It’s the conclusion I reached after so many months of suffering in silence, it’s the conclusion I painfully admit now, through flowing tears.
And maybe the time to let go has finally come. There is no use for me anymore, and I have the courage to admit it and move on, even though it feels like having a huge hole in my stomach. No, not in my heart or chest. That happens only in dramas and love series. Stomach, because that’s the organ that let me down the most when I first time met you. Eating was happening so rarely back then; the times I could possibly manage to eat 2 bananas and a yogurt (that was the maximum accepted without feeling nauseous, and the minimum required for keeping me alive), my digestion would simply not cooperate, all the food being rejected.
But I didn’t complain. I was happy because I finally didn’t feel less than a human being. I finally found the place where I would belong, and that place was a person. A person who had the power to carry the meaning of an entire world, only through his presence. I admired you. So much. You seemed to deal with your demons better than I ever did. But in fact, it was not like that, was it? In your loneliness, you were only used to fight them, but have you ever won out?
I finally felt understood. Appreciated. Cherished. Loved.
And all the stomach ache was finally the best thing that could have possibly happened. It meant I fell for you, and I was aware of it ever since the moment we made eye contact. Those sad cold eyes attracted me in such strange way, as if they were a magnet. I’ve never had any sort of special gift of predicting the future, but there I was, doing it. I felt we had to meet, we had to accomplish something. I still don’t know what that something was. Or maybe it already happened, and the mission is over. because in fact, the second premonition I had back then, the one I’ve never told you about, was that it will all happen and end shortly. I hoped to be wrong, I wanted to believe that even if we take a break, nothing would actually be over.
But…dear, how I was wrong. It was supposed to end and I stuck around so much I didn’t realize I became a spectator of my life-show. I am no longer a part of it. I waited in the performance room for the second part to start, but it never really did. I only saw rehearsals, brief moments of what I used to call real love.
The second part won’t start any longer. The script changed and I lost my role. I got kicked out of my own life. And now I am waiting for something I don’t want to see. The person who replaces me, the one that can fill in the place I couldn’t fill, the one that could finally help you reach your best version, and win your demons, it’s already here.
So, darling, you really don’t need me.
If I leave now, it won’t make any difference to you. And don’t be sad, I know I’m not good at dealing with pain as well as you do, but I’ve done it so many times before that I’ve lost count. I might hurt, bleed and shed tears, but I’ll be alright.
I’ll keep feeling as alive as I can because right before love, life is actually the first thing you taught me.
So please, If I go, just don’t say sorry.