ADHD and Me: Part 2, Inattentiveness
Where did the time go?
Hello there! Welcome to part two of my series, ADHD and Me, a series where I discuss my experience with ADHD and how it continues to affect me today. In my last post, I discussed how ADHD affects me, specifically, Implusivity.
In today’s post, I will discuss Inattentiveness, and how that shapes my world view.
Before we begin, a quick disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am merely a person who was born with ADHD (as well as a few other medical conditions), and I am writing about and from my own experience. In no way should this be taken as a medical diagnosis, nor should it be viewed as a typical or atypical of ADHD. It is also not a guide to managing ADHD. This series is simply how I have experienced ADHD, and how it continues to specifically affect me today.
To understand what “inattentiveness” does to me, we need to understand it’s definition. From Merriam-Webster:
: not attentive : not paying attention
That’s pretty clear cut. Here’s the psychiatric definition:
“A habitual lack of attention”
Looking at these definitions, we get a clear picture: inventiveness is the behavior of well, not paying attention. So, people like myself don’t pay attention, right? Well, the answer is yes and no.
From the textbook definitions, it’s easy to make the conclusion that people with ADHD have a lack of attention. In practice, nothing could be further from the truth. The reality is that I’m not focusing because I am simply overwhelmed with information.
Imagine the world around you as if everything is written in big, bright letters, and everything is underlined. Twice. Now imagine alarm bells attached to everything around you going off constantly. This exercise of imagination is my reality.
Let me ask you: Does that reality sound difficult to imagine? If so, you’re (probably) what’s called “neurotypical”, or a fancy way of saying “normal". If that sounds closer to what you experience everyday, then you might just have ADHD.
Please understand, this is not about being occasionally distracted or overwhelmed. Everyone experiences those things in their lifetime. I however experience it constantly.
“Imagine the world around you as if everything is written in big, bright letters, and everything is underlined. Twice. Now imagine alarm bells attached to everything around you going off constantly. This exercise of imagination is my reality.”
To say that ADHD brains have a lack of attention is just plain wrong, we actually have too much. Neurotypical brains are born with the ability to tune things out on command. I was born without the ability to do that.
To put it another way, most people have the ability to summon a form of tunnel vision. In this tunnel vision, people can focus on the tasks at hand. Information unrelated to that task gets filtered out, and you are able complete the tasks you are working on.
I however, with my brain, get all of that information. The word “literally” gets over used a lot these days, bit in truth, I am literally aware of everything around me. At least on the subconscious level, of course. As much as like to think I have omniscience, nature decided to not grant me that superpower.
Still, I tend to pick up things others don’t. Inventiveness has granted me knowledge such as an almost encyclopedic understanding of my neighborhood, amongst other things. I know every unusual tree, house, SQUIRREL!, and car for about a half mile.
I also have an encyclopedic knowledge of World of Warcraft lore, I can explain about 7 different ways people approach hopscotch, and I am an expert at noticing the differences between similar color dresses. Basically I’ve become filled with seemingly random bits of information.
All of this took years of practice to be able to hone my constantly shifting gaze into something useful.
When I was young, I was chronically on another cloud, another plane of reality. I remember the outside of my 4th grade classroom quite well. The school backed up to a forest, and I remember spending more time looking at the trees, the wildlife, the changing of the seasons more then I remember actually being in the classroom. This isn’t to say I completely disregarded my education; I was actually a pretty dedicated student with the right subject. No, my mind always tended to drift towards that window, and the forest beyond.
I suppose that’s where my ability to world build and tell stories comes from. At first my imagination would imagine trips with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimili through Middle-Earth; and at some point I started making my own stories with my own characters. By the time I was 10 years old, I was having full blown novel length adventures right from the desk in my classroom.
This didn’t make teaching me easy, of course. I failed math three times in 6th grade, and it took me hours to complete the standardized test required for 6th graders. But learn I did. ADHD brains, I’ve found, are hungry for information. And a constantly shifting brain will focus on something it does find interesting.
Wild imagination aside, I have found that inattentiveness does have an effect on how I perceive the world. When you are constantly noticing everything, objectivity and subjectivity take on new definitions.
For example, I’ve noticed that most people are able to break things down in concise points, and focus on individual things with relative ease. I don’t do these things however. I’m a constant big picture thinker, I don’t just simply look at things immediately in front of me. I wonder constantly about my place in the world, and how I affect it. I build long, drawn out thoughts, filled with deep and vivid detail. It’s very difficult to turn my thoughts into an elevator pitch because I latch on to subjects with a great deal of nuance. Nothing is “simple” for me.
“When you are constantly noticing everything, objectivity and subjectivity can take on new meanings.”
I’ve noticed that my thought process isn’t what most people’s is. Getting into my car isn’t as simple as getting into my car. Every step of getting into my car and driving off is broken down by my brain and analyzed. Reaching for the door handle, my mind thinks about how it works. As I pull on it, I recall the knowledge that the mechanism that opens the door is a system of gears and levers. My brain imagines those gears and levers moving inside the door. Then, I open the door. It makes a sound. My brain examines the sound, and notes that the door is moving the air around it too. I think about why there is a sound. I think about the molecules of air and what they are made of. I think about why those molecules move the way they do. As move my body into the car, the sensations of sitting down on the seat made of fabric, foam, metal, and plastic spur more thoughts into my brain. This process continues as I put the key in the ignition, and turn the car on.
To some, this sounds quite similar to autism, and I would agree, there is a bit of overlap between autistic brains and ADHD brains. ADHD differs from autism in that autistic people tend to focus on details, where ADHD brains like mine focus on everything. An autistic person has difficulty understanding abstract concepts, whereas a person with ADHD is almost seemingly living in an abstract concept. You are constantly thinking about things, constantly noticing the world around you. Living with the inattentiveness of ADHD is akin to having a never ending conversation with yourself.
“Living with the inattentiveness of ADHD is akin to having a never ending conversation with yourself.”
So here I sit, being the Professional Daydreamer™ I am, hoping that I’ve given you some insight into what it’s like to have ADHD. I have mixed feelings about my inattentiveness. It’s certainly cost me relationships, but it’s also granted me abstract knowledge. I wouldn’t be the person I am today with out it, and my life is never really boring. I always find something to keep my brain busy, sometimes when I really shouldn’t.
I hope you enjoyed this read, and I hope you stay tuned for the rest of my series. If you liked it, please leave a recommendation. If you loved it, please consider a follow. Thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from you soon!
Alexis Hollingsworth is an aspiring author, blogger, ADHD/transgender advocate, free thinker, and all around fabulous trans lady. For more blogging, please follow Alexis Hollingsworth on Medium; and for politics, memes, and hijinks, you can also follow her on Twitter.
