The things I couldn’t say

If only I weren’t too scared.

I don’t like the way you talk to me.

Like I’m less of a person, like I’m beneath you. Is it because I’m young? Is it because I’m not a man? Is your ego really so inflated that it buoys you above the masses, making everyone look like a tiny ant beneath your shoes? I realize without your mention of it that I am not as experienced or as intelligent as you. Does it make you feel better to make me feel small? Huh? I wish I could stand up to you, and somehow make you realize that maybe you aren’t as wonderful as you think you are.

So let’s just drop it, okay?

Usually I try to play it cool, because I honestly don’t think that it’s something I should be ashamed of. Since it seems that it fascinates you, and since its a conversation reserved for only myself and my future sexual partners, I’d appreciate it if we didn’t discuss it any more. It’s my life and my choice. I’m too polite to do anything but stutter and blush, so please shut up.

Thank you for being there,

Some nights are darker than others, and on the darkest of them you held me while I cried over things I couldn’t control. You didn’t care that I was drunk, or that my tears dripped onto the futon and soaked into your new sweater. You didn’t compare your problems to mine, and for that I am grateful. You said just what needed to be said: nothing. I wish I had thanked you for being there but now it’s too late and neither of us like to talk about that night.

But I hate everything about you.

But I don’t hate you. That’s why I can’t say it. I hate how pretentious you are and how every nice conversation or anecdote turns into a goddamn pissing contest. I don’t understand how you can simply disregard every opinion that does not conform to your personal worldview. You are the most selfish person I know, and it is exhausting. You don’t know it, but I almost called you so many times during finals week and then decided against it because I knew you wouldn’t care. So yeah, I hate that about you. But I don’t hate you.

I’m sorry…

I really am. I didn’t expect things to end between us so badly and now I can’t go back and say it. I apologize for what I said to you and how I said it. I made you out to be the bad guy but it was always my fault. And it still is, after all I was always afraid to say it….

…I love you.
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