I am in Tokyo right now. I’ll be back in America soon. I’ve been teaching, living, working on music, and floating. Floating can feel like a waste sometimes, letting the flow take you places, not doing much except being. Sometimes though, not trying to swim let’s you look below the surface, the waters clear from stillness. That’s what I’ve been able to do.
Since I was a kid I have had some subcomponent of OCD. Giving names to things and labeling myself isn’t something I like to do, however after looking into this “disorder” more, I realized that it was definitely what I was experiencing. At times in my life, these tendencies showed themselves as just minor obsessive tendencies, whether it be with counting things I did to certain liked numbers (I like 3, 5, and 7) or the typical double (or triple) checking things I did that I could imagine leading to disorder or disaster.
At other times OCD manifested as an ill-defined ghoul, something that warned of impending doom, with a level of intricately designed endings that would impress those I confided in.
Despite these elements being merely internal and mental, known as obsessions, it sapped so much energy from me in the form of worry, fear, “over-thinking”, and living in defense of all these things this ghoul warned of.
What do I do? How much of this “OCD” is “me”? How much of it is something that doesn’t belong? I was lost.
The other day I watched an interview with Sadhguru on the Tom Bilyeu show. He said something that caused a paradigm shift in me. Sadhguru basically says that all physical existence, from atoms to the universe, is based on cycles. Compulsions are cycles. So compulsion is a platform for you to stand on and act in the universe, or maybe you could say, act on the universe. Most people however become their compulsions, thus being used by the platform, not using the platform.
This unlocked something in me. It’s easy to label “yourself” as the problem. If that is your framing, how do you fix yourself with yourself? It makes me think of a beautiful line from a Silversun Pickups song, “The Pit”, “somebody somewhere will clean out your wounds with dirty fingers…”.
I won’t go on with more words, I just wanted to write this because it helped me, and maybe it will help you.
You already have what you need inside. You are not your problem, you are your answer.