Russian Romance Tips

As a citizen of the #UnitedStatesofRussia you’ll need to redefine your basic survival skills. Everything you’re used to is about to change, from the clothes you wear to the people you trust (don’t trust anyone).

With all the colluding, you better learn how to canoodle! Here are some tips on Russian romance!

It’s your lucky day, if you’re a straight, white man! The Russian government just decriminalized domestic violence. How fortunate, because this aligns exactly with the former United States of America’s stripping away of women’s rights.

First things first.

THE BASICS

If you’re a woman, you must get married by the time you’re 24. You do not want to reach 25 as a spinster. It’s a dark place. If you’re a man, you can stay single as long as you want and your mother will shoo away her judgmental friends by telling them you’re a “true professional pursuing his dreams who hasn’t met a woman who deserves him yet, but boy is she tired of doing his laundry and cooking so hopefully he’ll meet someone soon so that she moves in and takes over all of the unpaid, unappreciated housework.”

Don’t worry: they’ll never suspect you’re gay if you’re unmarried. Being gay will always be worse than not marrying and producing grandchildren. You should point this out whenever your mother complains that you don’t even separate your darks and whites (unlike some people).

A Russian woman’s middle name is always her father’s first name, with an “a” at the end, to indicate she belongs to him. When she gets married, she keeps her father’s first name as her middle name and loses her father’s last name to replace with her husband’s last name, also with an “a” at the end, to indicate she now also belongs to him. This is quite confusing for a newcomer.

In short: A woman belongs to her father until she gets married, whereupon she belongs to her husband more.

For example: Gorbachev’s wife’s name was “Raisa Gorbacheva.” The “a” indicates she is “of Gorbachev.” It’s kind of like indentured servitude without a release date (except death).

Staying fertile is a must. A Russian person (woman) is nothing without offspring. A Russian person (woman) has no purpose other than breeding (plus cooking, cleaning, working in the field she went to college for and bearing the responsibility for her husband’s alcoholism, debts, and poorly timed joke-telling).

Where to hide if you’re gay: Manhattan.

How to satisfy your in-laws if you’re a man: Impregnate their daughter and fix their computer.

How to satisfy your in-laws if you’re a woman: You can’t.

ROMANCE LESSONS FROM RUSSIAN ARTS AND HISTORY

We can learn a lot about romance and the role of women in relationships by taking a stroll through literature and Soviet history. Russian literature is much like marriage; it starts with a fever and ends with a premature death.

THE ARTS

1) Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

That slut Anna Karenina throws herself in front of a train because she dared to follow her heart and make a fool out of her husband.

Lesson: If you make a fool out of a man, you deserve nothing less than death.

2) War & Peace by Leo Tolstoy

That slut Natasha falls in love with Andrei, but then he decides to be a fucking hero and fight in the war so she jumps in bed with Anatole who’s run out of town by her slut-shaming mother. She ends up with Pierre after Pierre’s wife overdoses and Andrei dies of heartbreak (and battle wounds).

Lesson: You can get what you want at the expense of your loved ones dying.

3) The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Ivan Ilyich is a respectable man with an annoying and boring wife (if only she were a slut). He falls while hanging a curtain one day and hits his side. Next thing he knows he’s dying and hates his wife more than ever. In his very last moments on earth, he realizes she’s not that bad.

Lesson: Your wife can be forgiven and loved, but only when you’re dying and don’t have to spend time with her anymore.

4) Eugene Onegin by Alexander Pushkin

Tatiana falls in love with Eugene Onegin but she’s like a white trash country girl and he’s fabulous and hobnobs with the rich and famous and wants to have fun all the time. He keeps rejecting her and embarrassing her. Years later he runs into her to find that she’s become absolutely fabulous…. but married. He tries to persuade her to leave her husband but she won’t do it. She ruins his life by not being a slut.

Lesson: If you don’t become a slut, you’ll ruin a man’s life. If you ruin a man’s life, you’re a slut.

5) The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

That dirty whore Nastassya is torn between nice guy Myshkin and passionate bad boy Rogozhin. She almost marries the nice guy but runs away with the passionate bad boy at the last minute, who ends up stabbing her to death. Oops! Wrong choice.

Lesson: Women who have freedom to choose get stabbed to death.

6) Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky

A good swan with a spell cast on her falls in love with a dude. A black swan ruins everything and the dude and the good swan get to be together, but they also have to die.

Lesson: Good girls finish last.

7) Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekhov

Sonia helps her uncle run her father’s estate and is in love with the town Doctor. But Sonia is plain and the doctor’s affection is directed at a striking new visitor who Sonia can’t compete with looks-wise. She resigns herself to doing paperwork in a chair for the rest of her life and prays she’ll find solace and rest after her death.

Lesson: Plain girls don’t get shit.

8) Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak

A lot of confusing shit happens. Yuri and Lara have to leave Moscow. Yuri comes back first, has children with another woman, and dies. Lara comes back looking for him, ends up going to his funeral, and Stalin sends her to the Gulag where she dies.

Lesson: Curiosity killed the cat (woman).

Grab a copy of How to Spy on Your Neighbor: Your Survival Guide for the United States of Russia for a complete list of tips!

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