9 AM

Life without sugar and caffeine is harder than you think. We are surrounded by hidden stacks of sugar in almost everything. And well, caffeine gives you wings. So today’s already off to a rough start.

Then I saw this from Danielle Laporte and was re-affirmed that this was just not going to feel too great.

“And then — are you still with me? Because deep creativity isn’t for the faint of anything, then you’ll have to:

  • Do the fucking work. Like a grown up.
  • Risk being disliked (actually, it’s not a risk, it’s inevitable.)
  • Risk being very very misunderstood (and you don’t know how much that hurts until it happens.)
  • Say what you feel — in every possible way.
  • Burn the draft, the plan, the strategy that you thought was everything.
  • Pray. On your knees. (When’s the last time you did that?)
  • Cut people out of your life.
  • Humbly make amends.
  • Drop everything and call your energy worker.
  • Become your own Lover.
  • Eat your longing backwards.
  • Keep going, even when it feels like you’re being punished.
  • Become obsessive.
  • Move ON.
  • Be truly compassionate with yourself when it’s so hard to move on.
  • Be incredibly tender, and not just when you’re by yourself, but the exposed with others kind of tender.
  • Take a hit for the team. You don’t think you’re learning lessons just for your own good, do you? Nah.
  • Ask for help — the vulnerable kind of asking when you’re afraid the answer may be no.
  • Be profoundly lonely.
  • Use your own money.
  • Feel it all — in one day.
  • Say Thank You — for all of it. All of it.
  • Let yourself feel very small next to the size of your dream.
  • Get bigger than the size of your dream.
  • Keep doing the fucking work.

All true statements that again, sound so much better on digital paper.
In reality it sucks to actually grow and go through the motions.

I guess I should ask myself those three painfully beautiful questions again:

  • Where in my life am I fully present?
  • Where in my life am I hiding?
  • Where in my life am I flirting with disaster?

— — —

I guess, I should continue this theme of honesty with myself.

Also honesty, sucks. And can be ugly, but theoretically leads to a better place where you get to be greater.

I am fully present anytime I’m not actively able to worry. Moments when I get to be 100% myself. Times shared with those I love, when I get to laugh to the point of no oxygen entering or exiting my body.

I am hiding anytime I feel like I have to make myself smaller. Or diminish my light. There are times when I’ve been so in the moment that despite whatever was going on, or how harsh the reality I felt super in control and alive. In hindsight those moments make ever other moment pale in comparison.

Now if only I could remember what I was doing at those times…lol note to self I may need to invest in Ginko Biloba.

Flirting with disaster eh? Life is short, so theoretically any moment where I’m not feeling alive, any moment that doesn’t fill me with life and purpose would be me flirting with disaster.

I think it’s also fair to think around this idea of how society forces us to go down that path, naturally. You know, down the disaster track. For as long as I can remember I knew what my “plan” should be. Graduate, work hard, be successful, meet a great guy, have a family and work that much harder to sustain those things.

But what if those things don’t make me feel “alive”? Is that what’s landed me here in the 40 Day Challenge? Everything happens for a reason, but the what if is pretty compelling.

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