Patrick — I hear your pain and I feel for you. Sounds like you’ve been dealt a tricky hand in life. Please know that most people don’t receive a lucky break and it usually takes years and years of time and effort to get to where we want to be. (Your friends are exceptions and not the rule.) And we may never get there, but it’s worth the try, we’ll learn and improve our situation regardless. It sounds like your belief in God may not be serving you — something we don’t know exists in objective reality. It appears to be the thing we use to fill in the gaps and the mystery in the world (a gap that has gotten smaller and smaller over time). I personally don’t believe our fate is in any God’s hands, but in our own. If we live in a free country then we have a lot of choice at our fingertips. Please do find someone to speak to if you don’t already have support in your life, reach out to someone on https://www.betterhelp.com/.