Croissants are not my friend

Me — post croissant

So it’s Monday…. Unfortunately, I didn’t plan ahead and buy my breakfast before hand. As usual, if I’m honest. I was having too much fun enjoying my chocolate feast on Sunday evening to even think about the week ahead. Then Monday morning happened and I was suddenly in a creased shirt and trousers standing at work whining that I was hungry. My tired eyes begged for a double espresso and I knew what question would be following next. I’m hungry and what can I possibly eat? I knew due to my long term relationship with the devil aka bloating/IBS, that anything flirting with being a pastry should be avoided. I greeted all the girls in the shop as I normally did, did my rounds of the aisles, hands in pockets and whistling away as usual. I knew I shouldn’t keep walking straight towards the pastry section but it was as if my common sense part of my brain had shut down. Here we go again…. I picked up two chocolate croissants ( for a bargain price of a pound I must add) and I walked towards the till with them proudly under my arm. I shook them at the girls at the till, ‘breakfast time’ I shouted, ‘Im off for a coffee now,its how I roll’ . I stood in the queue for a coffee, arrogantly and quite stupidly thinking that what was about to happen in roughly 10 minutes would not happen. I collected my coffee and wandered back to work. ‘I have croissants!’ I shouted. The girls say to me ‘ but I thought you weren’t allowed to eat croissants? They make you bloated?’ To which I reply ‘ I know, but it’s Monday right?!’ Off I go to the microwave, I swing one in the microwave for 6.57 seconds and ‘ping’ I’m ready to go. Tucking in it takes me roughly half a millisecond to inhale and with one mouthful of the espresso, the deed is done.

I don’t feel too bad… I get down to working, saving lives at work… the usual, and then it starts. Actually, if I’m honest, it doesn’t start, it’s just there. A huge stomach that attached to me. Painful and swollen, I’ve erupted. Pregnancy due to the croissant. Why, why, why have I done it to myself?! Was it worth it? It tasted amazing ,I can’t hate the croissant.

Half an hour later and I have undone my trousers and pulled my shirt out to hide the evidence. For the rest of the afternoon at work, I’m either checking if my nether regions are exposed by falling trousers or trying to squeeze the fastenings of the trousers together without suffocating myself. Its these times do I really think I should invest in maternity wear for these food choices.

For roughly 12 hours now the bloat remained.It is 22.51pm and I have to admit I still have a slight bulge. However true to my poor food choices and chocolate loving nature,I have just eaten a chocolate melt in the middle pot. It’s nearly Tuesday after all.

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