Men! Try this one, weird trick 💯

Rebecca Thomas
Oct 25, 2017 · 4 min read

A helpful q & a for romantic ennui

Photo by Daniel Mingook Kim on Unsplash

I’m a romantic ennui specialist. It’s not an area of study I was looking for, but after seven years of post-40 dating and listening to my men friends wax on, I feel competent to speak on the subject.

Romantic ennui is the murky feeling that no matter who you meet and engage with, it’s never quite right, or enough. There is something more out there (who knows what?) and if you only partially give of yourself to the present person, you are emotionally free to keep striving.

It’s a modern existential crisis. We want connection, but have no idea how to get it. We are parched with no shortage of water.

Whenever I write about my experience of being on the female side of dating (or sex) I get an avalanche of email from men. So much so, I daydream about pitching myself to GQ or Esquire for a column called, “Ask a Broad.” I would be paid to pierce men’s nonsense ideas, hopefully with a sexy picture of me at the top of the page.

Hey, a girl can dream.

You want straight-forward answers on love and women? I’m in. Kudos to men for wanting to dig a little deeper, better late than never.

To that end, I’ve put together a handy list of persistent questions men ask me, and I presume, themselves, over and over. My answers follow:

Holding a woman at arm’s length and subjecting her to a gauntlet of scheduling nonsense or commitment-phobia with the vague idea that if she powers through all that and ‘something develops’ is not a winning, love strategy. It’s a recipe for being lonely, and leaving an awful wake behind you.

Good relationships have a lot in common with good sex. It takes a little time, effort and generosity to make magic happen. Love, is what you make.

That one, weird trick?

Date a woman like it matters right from the get-go.

Find a good one who likes you back, give her room to blossom in your company, be reliable, don’t attribute your periodic unhappiness to something lacking in her. Give her the optimism and attention that assumes she is of value instead requiring her to prove it to you.

See where that gets you.

Rebecca Thomas

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Writer of useful things, restaurateur, silver fox. Find me @ or