Have Those Deep Conversations With Your Kids

Rebecca Zeines
Jul 25, 2017 · 3 min read

They matter in your relationship with them. And think about this: if you’re not the one telling them, then who is? Because being shut down won’t kill their curiosity.

Kids get it. Ever hear about that? The idea that kids can actually understand way more than we give them credit for?

I believe in that. It’s why I might modulate my tone of voice and exaggerate some of my gestures and facial expressions when speaking with young kids, but I don’t change my words. I don’t talk to kids about the “tchoo-tchoo,” and if they have their fingers in a body part that I deem private, I tell them, “please take your hand off/out of you penis/vagina. That’s something you can do, just in a more private setting than when other people are around.”

When a kid asks me why it’s a bad idea for her friend to paint her skin brown to look like Moana, I broach the topic of racism and blackface.

I just don’t go into a long detailed history about Sambo and how I’m convinced that blackface minstrelsy is at the core of popular racist stereotypes in the world today. Instead, I simplify the concepts while using the words that I normally use.

Kids are insanely curious, and at times that curiosity is often experienced by adults as annoying and disruptive. Those “whys” never really seem to stop, do they?

“Why do those two men hold hands?”

“Why is my skin lighter/darker than that other kid’s?”

“What’s the meaning of life?”

“Why do people kiss?”

“Where do babies come from?”

“If that kid has two mommies/daddies, where did s/he come from?”

“Why do my mommy and daddy hate each other?”

“Why did that man just lick his lips while looking at me?”

…you catch my drift. Some of these things are horrible, but the question might still have been asked.

Ultimately, when a kid asks me any kind of question, I do my best to answer it honestly. Even if being honest might mean that I don’t have the answer.

When working with younger kids, the answers are simplified. The 4-year-old is definitely not going to stick around to listen to a diatribe about blackface minstrelsy or gay rights, or the science behind procreation or the alternative options to having kids that exist in the world.

Older kids might, but the first answer isn’t the time to go deep in any topic.

The first answer you give a kid will open the door to their curiosity, or direct them towards someone (or somewhere) they’ll be able to find some kind of answer — though probably not the one you’d actually want to give your kid.

So when I discussed racism and blackface in the context of painting one’s skin to look like Moana, I simplified my answer: “You know, people used to do this to make fun of other people’s skin color. I know that you don’t mean to do it like that, but that’s why you shouldn’t.”

If the kid wants to know more about this, they’ll come back to me at a later time and ask me another question. In that specific situation, though, the kid seemed satisfied with that answer.

Simplify, don’t talk down. Kids understand more than we often give them credit for.

And if you’re not the one having these conversations with them, someone else is.

Do you trust that what they’ll learn from someone else will be what you want them to know?

Rebecca Zeines

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Copyeditor, Dreamer, Agile Facilitator and all-around joyful misfit