Why You Need to Teach Your Kids Consent
True story. And it goes far beyond consensual sex, just FYI.
I work at a preschool. The kids I spend the most time with are between the ages of 3 and 5 years old and they spend most of their day playing, usually together.
Well, as the adult in that space I’m there to wipe (the younger) kids’ asses, pick up after them, and mediate the numerous and tiny conflicts that arise throughout the day.
Those conflicts can come from an (usually) accidental push or hit or, more often, from a kid not taking to being rejected very well.
“Miss Rebecca, they won’t let me play with them!” is something that I’ve heard at least once a day in the few weeks since starting this job. The kid on the receiving end is feeling stung by the rejection and, per the social structure of the preschool, perceives it as a bad thing that needs to be reported to an authority figure (a.k.a. me, crazy as that might be).
The sting of rejection is something we’ve all experienced somehow, somewhere. Being told ‘no’ can hurt, especially if we never learn how to process the feeling of rejection.
In fact, in some cultures, ‘no’ simply doesn’t mean refusal. In Brazil, I experienced it as a ploy for women to appear coy, not-too-easy, strong-willed or some other such concept. I’ve mentioned this before, but I shocked men over there when I was very firm in my refusal. It was off-putting and culturally abnormal for them, even if they were being cheating dickwads by coming on to me in the first place.
Coming back to the kiddos I’m working with, this is the moment where they learn how to face rejection.
So when a kid comes to tell me that someone didn’t want to play with them, I help the rejected child come to terms with it. “You know, they’re allowed to not want to play with you. Sometimes, that happens, and that’s OK. It’s not because it’s you, it’s because they just want to be together. And that’s OK. You’ve got this. And hey, here’s something else you could do!”
Teach your kids to accept rejection. It’ll teach them consent through acceptance.
Taking ‘no’ for an answer needs to be natural. But for that to happen, refusal needs to make sense.
A parent saying no ‘just because’ won’t help their child understand the value of rejection. It’ll be nonsensical and, in my experience, backfire in the future. They won’t understand when someone telling them ‘no’ actually means it, or if they’re playing games or ‘being irrational’ or some such other load of bull.
By teaching your children to accept rejection, you’ll help them learn consent.
Make sure you do.
