Thoughts on: “Diary Excerpt part two, Angry Mode”

So why is it important to read and re-read your diary, and read it again because you remember something funny?

Because if you are having a bad day and you read how you bitch about it, you might discover how much you are exaggerating it (possibly), how you are passing the blame on some other force than you (not that that is incorrect, or sometimes helpful), how you martyrize yourself for things you just don’t control fully or don’t control at all, How actually this bitching is an excuse for not doing anything about it.

Yes, nihilism can struck us all, and is good to digest in time to time, but change is necessary, doesn’t matter if you are sad, or happy you will change, “that too shall pass” (maybe).

Till what degree do we have to scream and cry, till it feels enough, I guess?

***

“I am a bit mad, as usual I am a bit mad on myself, and the choices I have made.

I feel that society bleached the hell out of me, society, parents, every single thing occurred and occurring and I haven’t been strong enough to spit all of them on the face as I should have done.

I keep comparing myself to others and I feel I should throw up, I am a real piece of shit, well most of human beings are but still there is a part of me that wants to be a special piece of shit. I keep on saying think positively: “You are a piece of shit!” a fertilizer, you are a dead corpse that fertilizes the future. There is nothing wrong with this sentence here, but let me tell you I’m a radioactive piece of shit, I have got none of those nutrients and yummy minerals, I wonder who has them, really?

Do not know how to use myself. Do not know to feel my feels, live my life, or freaking do something, I am even shitting all over the concept of reality, where the fuck do you see it? And still if reality is not real why the fuck haven’t we got poking rainbows unicorns, but have Hitler in the history book. (Nice poet that guy was, no pun intended… well that was before we acted out his psychopathic ideas). I am all over the place an active nihilist has a rap battle with a passive nihilist.

Why do we care? This paradoxical shit called life that seems to be as addictive and hated as heroin. How come this life is so mixed up? All the good and all the bad, all the wrongs and all the bests in all the shades mixing and mixing.

The need of clinging, the need of purpose, the need of approval.”

***

So why do I post this small, small and quite censored excerpt of my diary?

Because we all have times in which we are just messy, emotional (on your period, ovulating or sterile), and it is normal, probably it is even healthy, probably it brings you up to a path in which you actually develop that muscle of adoring and being mesmerized by life, in which you live life in which you have all your shit together and you even might say, my light will shine on even when my heart beat will beat off, or you’ll just end up being a happy sort of fulfilled old piece of good shit.

Drawings for the next time.