We need to talk about grief

It’s National Grief Awareness Week and we thought it important to go off topic momentarily to share our thoughts on grief and its expression. We’re not great at talking of death and loss as a nation. We tend to brush it under the carpet, say we’re ‘fine’ when asked and bottle it all up.

You’ll read in the following short pieces our own thoughts on grief in our vulnerability. I hope they offer you food for thought.

Rebecca writes:

Grief comes out of nowhere and mugs you. These are the words of a friend of mine who helped me make sense of how I’m currently feeling.

Grief isn’t just about the death of someone we love. Grief is about all endings and losses.

This year has been one of unprecedented loss for me and if I’m being honest I’m reeling from them all. Still. There is no timeline for grief.

My mum had been suffering with dementia for a number of years. I naively thought that I’d begun the grieving processes with each new thing she could no longer remember or do. I grieved the day I drove her to respite care to give my dear dad a break, knowing that she wouldn’t be coming home. I grieved as I saw the mental torment she was in. I grieved the loss of the mother I wanted back. I grieved the relationship I longed for with my mum.

A relationship that meant the world to me ran its course and ended at the start of the year leaving me both at peace and utterly heartbroken. I’m still grieving.

I watched my dad grieve the loss of 3 brothers this year. We said goodbye to my sister’s loyal and loving old dog who was adored by the whole family. Pain, loss, grief.

I sat with my dad and Dan, my youngest son as my mum took her last breath. A privilege to be with the woman who witnessed my first breath. The circle of life. That moment will be with me always. There was such peace. A relief that her suffering was now over.

Grief feels like someone has me by the throat. It feels like a rock on my chest. Grief feels like loneliness. It feels like hopelessness. It feels like white noise.

Grief is part of living. It’s easy to numb grief because it feels too much to bear. Numbing never works, it always makes the grief larger and gives it a greater power. We cannot run from it. Grief is to be felt. It comes and goes. It enriches our life.

Grief is the deepest sign of love.

We grieve because we loved.

There can be no greater experience.

Before this year, I had never really experienced grief. Family members passed away when I was much younger, but while it was upsetting, I didn’t fully understand what was going on.

Earlier this year my wonderful, beautiful grandma passed away after suffering from dementia for a number of years. It’s a cruel, heartbreaking illness and for anyone reading this who has had direct experience of it, you’ll know what it’s like to see the person you love fade before your eyes.

When the illness got worse, she was moved to a care home so she could get the full time support she needed and my amazing grandad could finally have some time to rest after caring for her for so long. That’s where she spent her final days.

I didn’t go to see her at the care home. Selfishly, I wanted to maintain the memories I had of her before she declined beyond recognition. Part of me regrets that now.

When she passed away, it happened very quickly. It was a blessing really, but at the same time it meant that I didn’t feel prepared. I don’t know how you can really prepare for someone you love to die, but I feel like maybe I could have braced myself somehow.

Having seen her decline over the last few years, I didn’t think it would be so hard when she passed away because in a way, we had already said our goodbyes to the person she used to be. But that just wasn’t the case. The loss created not just an emotional pain but a physical ache that was totally overwhelming. Writing this now is totally overwhelming.

I miss her so much, we all do, but I’m grateful for all the years we had with her. She was an amazing grandmother and I feel very lucky to have had her in my life.

Writing this has been much harder than I thought it would be. I think that’s partly down to the fact that as a society we just don’t talk about death. We find it awkward. We don’t know what to say. But it’s one of the only things in life that affects all of us.

But grieving doesn’t have to be something that happens behind closed doors. It shouldn’t be something that we feel ashamed of or that we feel we should justify once a certain period of time has passed.

No matter how long it has been — it could be days, it could be decades — those waves of emotions can come back at any time and they can feel just as fresh as they did on day one. And that’s okay.

Originally published at https://www.recoveryfromwithin.life on January 19, 2020.