If God Had Created the World in Agile

Day 1 — Day & Night

On the first ‘whatever’ (no such thing as ‘day’ yet), God creates DAY and NIGHT, immediately begins A/B testing to determine which is better suited for productivity. Being the only Being, God is unable to reach statistical significance, ends up going with His gut, choosing DAY while designating NIGHT for developers.

Also on Day 1: in His infinite wisdom, God creates the ScrumMaster.

Day 2 — Heaven & Earth

God assembles a front end and backend team, tasking them to create a POC for HEAVEN and EARTH — Success! Team is jazzed. ScrumMaster reminds God that they urgently need QA. God agrees, mandates all team members take part in UAT.

Day 3 — Land & Sea

Front end team creates LAND and SEA! Lots of high-fiving and fist-bumping ensue. Backend team, unable to get traction on plate tectonics or the hydrological cycle, grumbles about unstable environments. Attempt to demo on local machine results in epic fail. God jumps on desk and launches into an impromptu speech about how team is disrupting the Universe. Team returns to workstations with a renewed sense of purpose. Miraculously, free pizza and beer seem to replenish themselves throughout the night.

Day 4 — Stars, Sun, & Moon

Team’s all-nighter pays off: STARS, SUN & MOON are released into Production. But wait — God realizes STARS, SUN, and MOON should have been deployed beforeLAND and SEA. What is this you have done? God demands. Have you altered the priority which I commanded you not to alter?! ScrumMaster assures God, no, prioritization is just as He left it. Still, God asks ScrumMaster to review JIRA permissions, spends remainder of the day with door shut, tweaking roadmap and grooming backlog.

Day 5 — Fish & Fowl

Front end and backend teams are in the zone, work together to release FISH and FOWL. God is pleased! Entire team takes a moment to reflect on what they’ve built, marveling at the sanctity of life. Designers complain that many species are not built to spec. Designers are roundly ignored.

Day 6 — Animals & Mankind

Continuous deployment!

7:10 am — Team rolls out ANIMALS, all 8.7 million species — wOOt!

10:39 am — Team rolls out Human MVP: MAN

4:22 pm — Team rolls out Human 2.0: WOMAN

Platform is complete, except for iOS App, which is pending App Store approval. God seethes…

Day 7 — Retrospective time!

What went well? Created the entire world in less than a week — Yay, us!

What could we do better? More kindness, less violence.

Action items? More QA desperately needed.