Fidelity, Stronger Relationships and Reputation Protection — Interview with Elda M. Lopez
Red Diamonds Features is an interview-rich publication that converses on topics of communication, decision making, behavior, conflict, trust, courage, resilience and courage and reputation and crisis.
A lot of reputation crises result from infidelity. It seems obvious yet “obvious” doesn’t seem to prevent high risk decision making that leads to reckless behavior and tremendous pain.
The fallout from infidelity in personal relationships and at times, well-being in our professional lives, is significant. So what can be learned about infidelity prevention?
Elda M. Lopez is the author of the THE (IN)FIDELITY FACTOR, Points to Ponder Before You Cheat and she talks about the important insights and lessons in this conversation.
She hasn’t minced words in her communication, writing “infidelity is permeating our society at a consistent and alarming rate. It’s a crazy-making circumstance that begets more crazy. ‘Solving’ a problem or addressing an issue by way of creating even more problems and issues is illogic (sic)at its best. Infidelity does that. Betrayal is not the area that suggests best-case scenario.”
A list of variables is known to play a role in infidelity. They affect quality of decision analysis, decision making, decision quality and smart behavior, leading to problems of impulse control.
“Ideally, before giving in to an impulse and possibly engaging in unhealthy behavior that deep (unmet) need should be identified, examined and satisfactorily resolved so triggers will be readily acknowledged and managed prior to chaos ensuing,” Lopez says, warning “Infidelity begets all sorts of chaos.”
That chaos is not given the proper weight before poor decisions are made and progress down a dangerous road is undertaken.
“People commit infidelity for a vast array of reasons, but very simply put, let’s say a need isn’t being met, communication is lacking, understanding is thrown by the wayside, compassion is overlooked: logical reasons for discontent and breakdowns in a relationship. Take it a step further; everyone has a unique backstory to untangle and process. Tricky business, especially when this part of the equation is ignored or misunderstood. It’s no secret that emotion and logic are not cozy bedfellows,” Lopez has written.”
As to the approaches that can prove helpful taking the power out of temptation, Lopez focuses on considering next-level thinking and strategy in place of pure emotions.
“I promote self-awareness, personal accountability, education, and growth as lines of defense against infidelity,” she says. “If negative actions and reactions are recognized, it’s much easier to rein in future unhealthy behavior, take responsibility for detrimental acts and master the conduct through educating oneself to reach higher levels of understanding.”
How exactly this is best achieved is by coming at it from different directions.
“It takes personal effort and preferably, professional help to achieve it. Over time with consistency, it’s much easier as lessons learned become new and improved habits,” Lopez says.
A byproduct of this type of strategy in action with consistency is who we can become or return to being.
“Emotional intelligence saves a great deal of time, stress, and energy in the short and long run,” she says. “While there are no guarantees against infidelity, as humans will do what humans will do, safeguarding partnerships is highly beneficial, as long as mates are willing to work towards their common goal.”
Lopez says there are sobering facts just as there are encouraging ones when it comes to fidelity and infidelity.
“Each of us is ultimately responsible for our part in any given situation. We each have choices. When in the throes of a traumatic situation, that’s not what you want to hear, for good reason,” she says.
Lopez does speak with compassion on the topic.
“Infidelity is fraught with high emotion, pain, anger, resentment; the list goes on and on. People are deeply wounded during discovery and thereafter. It’s difficult to breathe much less listen to rational thought or experience a breakthrough. I know, I’ve been there,” she says.
In the midst of that pain, confusion, reactions and struggle, there are opportunities and available benefits.
“The upside to the experience and pain is once the betrayal is examined and processed, hopefully, through professional means, chances are self-awareness will prevent the same choices, mistakes, and behavior from happening in the future,” Lopez says. “Red flags, internally and externally, will be more evident as well as informed constructive decision-making. Confidence in knowing the patterns won’t be repeated leads to greater relationship rewards.”
There are wise responses to increase the odds of controlling the fire of emotions and people’s impulses to want to act out in a relationship or later, exact revenge.
“Open, honest communication, intentional listening, and again, self-awareness, are key components. If these skills are implemented and continually reinforced, loss, more than likely, won’t be an issue,” Lopez says.
She knows that this isn’t easy to do and in reality it is, if not anxiety producing, then as attractive as putting one’s hand on a burning stove.
“It takes courage to speak up. It can be uncomfortable and scary at times, but ongoing communication is necessary if an intimate, fulfilling union is the goal,” she says. “Otherwise, resentment, anger, passive-aggressive conduct, acting out, and other counterproductive behaviors come into play, and of course, possible infidelity.”
She proposes communication conducted in a specific manner.
“It’s helpful to communicate in neutral tones when broaching a sticky subject, and in the language a mate is more apt to (positively) receive information. For the record, I considered myself a great communicator, but the problem was I was communicating at my ex-husband, not with him. Huge difference,” Lopez insists.
A vital variable in communication that isn’t well understood by one or both people in a romantic relationship is listening.
“Intentional listening is another form of communication and just as valuable,” Lopez says. “Listening without interrupting is difficult, especially when you believe you have the right answers. It’s essential to validate a mate and their issue or issues by giving them a voice. It’s eye-opening how much there is to gain by listening without judging.”
Reputation crisis is often inevitable when infidelity is confessed or discovered. Lives have been terribly damaged, careers irrevocably damaged or ruined.
“Know thyself, which leads back to self-awareness. Be aware of how you interact in the world, how those interactions affect others, and ultimately yourself,” she says. “If unfavorable patterns emerge based on external feedback which in turn leads to personal miseries and an adverse reputation, something has to change to prevent crisis mode.”
Clearly knowing what one wants or needs within a relationship is a vital step in recognizing possibility and working towards it. This process is beneficial for everyone involved.
“Before engaging in a relationship, it’s best to know personal wants, needs, and desires. Otherwise, how can someone else be expected to understand? Not to say it’s all-or-nothing. Reasonably, it allows for discussion and adjustments. Balance,” Lopez says.
She has learned much and with clarity summarizes what she hopes to impart to others.
“We’re works in progress. Life poses challenges. There are going to be plenty of stops, starts, trials, errors, messiness and painful learning curves. The more we make conscious choices to follow a healthier path, a healthier, happier relationship is sure to follow,” she says.
Michael Toebe is a specialist for reputation, professional relationships communication and wiser crisis management. He authors and publishes the Red Diamonds Newsletter, a weekly publication on Medium, as well as this publication — Red Diamonds Features, Red Diamonds Essays and hosts the Red Diamonds Podcast.
Contact: RedDiamondsMedia@Gmail.com
