In the past year I made an interesting discovery: jealousy is not a real feeling. Jealousy is an emotional flag that points to an underlying feeling that should be looked at and worked through. Usually, what I feel when I think I feel jealous is fear — fear of being replaced, fear of being left alone, fear of not being good enough…
Do polyamorous people feel jealous sometimes? Of course. I have to say, though, I feel the pangs of jealousy more often in new relationships than in my relationship with my husband. I think it has to do with the fact that with him we have 15 years of history, some kids, a few mortgages and the commitment to be together that we both truly believe in. When I meet someone new — I don’t know them yet, we have no mortgages or kids to tie us together and I have a very minimal idea of what’s going on inside their head and how they feel about me. Over time I came up with a recipe of how to work through those unpleasant moments when insecurities surface and take over my mood.
First of all, I notice the feeling. Once I notice it I don’t try to suppress or express it — I just stay with it and let it be for some time. Then I start asking myself — why am I feeling this way, what am I worried about? For example, I might find that I am scared of not being exciting enough for my partner anymore, or being less exciting than someone else. When I ask myself why, I realize it is because I am afraid of him losing interest in me and not wanting to see me as much anymore. Then if I ask myself why that worries me, I might realize that it is because I am afraid of not receiving the love and hormones I am craving. Once I know that, I can figure out how to find ways to make myself feel loved and special without having to rely on my partners. As soon as I unravel these levels of insecurities and fears, watching them mindfully, letting them be and getting to the bottom of where they stem from, this annoying unpleasant fear goes away.
Sometimes it helps to talk to my partners and close friends about this. I have a few people in my life who are in polyamorous relationships with their partners and who understand what I’m going through because they’ve been in similar situations. Of course, my fears are unique to me, but voicing them to people I trust and talking through them with my partners helps me deal with those feelings. There is a side benefit to being open and vulnerable with partners: they know to be more supportive yet they give me space to work through my insecurities.
Also, feeling jealous in an ethical polyamorous relationship is a very different experience from feeling jealous in a monogamous relationship. In a monogamous relationship when one of the partners starts liking someone outside of that relationship, spending time with them, showing them signs of affection, or sleeping with them, usually it happens without the knowledge or approval of their main partner. If this kind of situation becomes known, someone inevitably ends up getting hurt, usually because of the break of trust. So the main issue here is not the other relationship itself, but the fact that it happens behind someone’s back, tied to lies and secrets, and breaks the trust between two people.
In a poly relationship, on the other hand, the people involved are aware of and are okay with the possibility of their partners getting attracted to or developing feelings for other people. If one of the poly partners feels uncomfortable, more often than not they have a safe space to talk about it with their loved ones. I quite enjoy talking to my husband about his new romantic interests, because it gives me an opportunity to see what kinds of people and things attract him and get to know him even better! I am also really happy for him about his new connections, because I do think that developing deep connections with people is the most beautiful thing anyone can experience.
That leads me to this idea of “compersion” in polyamory. Compersion is the feeling of joy for your loved ones when they are happy with someone else. I have started to notice that this feeling does come up quite a bit in my relationships. It’s not only related to my partners’ relationships with others, but also being happy for my loved ones whenever they solve a challenge they’ve been working on, when they have a break-through in a difficult work or family situation, when they acquire a new skill, or generally are experiencing joy for any reason.
Originally published at www.redefining.love.