Dating, honestly, at 25

Being single at 25 is an interesting phenomenon for me. Although, I really shouldn’t find it extremely peculiar as I’ve spent most of my adolescent, college, and now “adult” life being single. What I think makes it most interesting is that the majority of my friends have “settled down.” Sure, that ranges from status of married 1+ years, dating 2+ years, or even just seeing someone 6+ months, but they’re still a lot closer to this whole “happily ever after” than I seem to be. But with all my friends’ relationship success comes their personal beliefs of how I should handle being single. It’s a wide range of opinions from, “Experience everything you can! Never, ever settle,” to “You might want to stop being so picky and wasting time; your eggs are drying up.” (I won’t even get into my family’s viewpoint on me being single, but I bet you can guess on which end of the spectrum my mother falls). Don’t get me wrong, I love hearing my friends’ opinions on my dating life. The thing is, I do want all of the things my friends want for me too; I want to experience the world of dating and all the glory that is Tinder as much as possible, but I also know that I want to settle down, share my life with someone, start a family, and time is ticking...fast!

With this wide range of expectations, you can imagine that navigating the dating world can be quite tricky. For example, when you start talking to someone at 25, conversation at some point will include the following question in one format or another, “So, what are you looking for?” I don’t know what it is, but before I was 25 I had never been asked that question. What I’ve learned though is that the standard, universally accepted answer looks something like the following: “Well, I’m just looking for someone that is fun to be around and then I guess see where things go from there.” Then, typically, you spend the next few days continuing conversation and deciding if that person is going to provide that good company you’re looking for; it might even lead to several dates, but then eventually, you realize that that person’s “fun” is not what you’re looking for only to start the process all over again. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if we had the openness to answer the question, “What are you looking for?,” honestly. Because, if I’m being honest, mine might look something like, “I’m looking for someone that will… 1. commit to me, and only me, forever 2. coach our kids’ t-ball teams (yes, plural on the kid) 3. make our daughter, who inherited my average looks, feel like a Disney princess everyday 4. make our son, with my poor athletic skills, feel like Steph Curry 5. argue with me about which Netflix series we’ll start watching next.” But we can’t, and we don’t, answer that question truthfully, which leads us into this dating world of pretending for far too long about what we truly want in life.

Now, I’m intelligent enough to know that sharing that list of 5 things right out of the gates would be enough to scare away any sane, rational man and would lead me directly to a life of inevitable singleness. However, I’ve also learned through experience, a one year relationship made up of mostly pretending, and eventually heartbreak, that maybe there is more of a common ground between my friends’ opinions about dating than I originally thought. At 25, the only way to waste time when it comes to the subject of dating is by not being honest with yourself about what you want out of life. You can pretend that you’ll be happy with less, but you won’t, and you shouldn’t be. What you want out of life, whether it be a professional, romantic, or personal goal, is something you should never, ever settle upon.