I hate Quest Diagnostics. I mean, really hate them. I’d do anything to convince our HMO to not contract with a company that hires so many inept people and.

There are two ways to schedule an appointment with Quest: via automated phone service or with their subpar, ridiculous online scheduler that doesn’t even work half the time. The scheduler is arcane, to say the least. They over contract themselves to the point that you quite literally cannot get a decent appointment time within three weeks. Their phone system is completely and totally automated. Even if you magically find a number that connects you to a human being, they don’t help you, won’t help you, or transfer you back to the automated menu.

There’s one — ONE — location in Las Vegas that provides semen analysis services. For ——- sake.

My husband went in for routine blood work, an STD test, and a semen analysis that our insurance requires* in order to proceed with infertility testing on me. I scheduled his appointments in the order that works best for his personality, meaning they were supposed to draw his blood LAST. Oh no, they completely screwed it up. They put him in a cold, sterile room with no wifi, no materials, in a clinic full of crying babies, phones ringing, and after they just took his blood and told them to not urinate again because they needed his urine for the STD test.

Oh, yeah, I know tons of guys who can just rub one out while they have to piss while listening to the dulcet tones of a screaming infants and phones ringing.

I swear, I would almost pay out of pocket to do all these tests just so we don’t have to deal with the idiot brigade that Quest employes. However, since having a kid is likely going to cost a minimum of $15K, I don’t feel like I have a choice in the matter. I have to deal with them.

They are the devil’s henchmen.