Letter To A Hesitant Traveler

Thank you all for reading and to those who have been asking for letters, a deep hug. You give me the joy of writing to you. This letter is for a specific beloved caught at a crossroads, who is also recoverying from a traumatic injury. The words are for her and anyone else who may need them.

Darling Girl,

You are on the cusp of change. You are healing after an unusual, terrifying, profound physical injury. And now that you’ve graduated from college, you’re asked daily, by very loud and mostly caring voices, “What are you going to do with your life?” Your limbs are being pulled by so many opinions and possibilities to walk, move, behave, become one way or another. Amidst contradicting choices and advice, it is ironic, telling, and fitting that you are bedridden, unable to move.

This is because we are rendered immovable when so many voices are thrown our way, each advising how we should be, what we should do. The opinions crescendo into noise and noise is paralyzing. Stillness though is different. Stillness is a blessing. Anchoring yourself within your own voice will let you discern who it is you truly are and the path and mission that feel most authentically yours.

Of all demographics, it is the young woman who is flooded with the highest volume and frequency of unsolicited commentary. Please don’t take the onslaught of opinions as a reflection of you, your abilities, your maturity, or your intelligence. Young women are blasted with advice from avenues running the gamut between well-meaning-loved-ones to idiots-with-nary-experience-being-female-why-art-thou-speaking? Relatives, friends, teachers, professors, celebrities, fashion magazines, catcallers, pundits, politicians, Kardashians, Trump. Society and loved ones will continually comment on our behavior, choices, feelings, thoughts, and goals, regarding education, work, love, dating, sexuality, appearance, decorum, and lifestyle. Boys and men are afforded far more privacy and sovereignty in their choices. But we girls and women are viewed as being more pliable, and expected (consciously or subconsciously) to be pleasing and deferential. So, don’t take the noise as a unique, personal affront. Don’t take it as reason to become deferential or malleable in a way that is self-betraying. Social conditioning dictates girls should be advised. But self-trust says you needn’t absorb the noise. Stand your ground, walk your path. In time the cacophony will die down. What I mean is that the longer you spend owning, coloring in, and remaining loyal to your true self, the less people will urge you to fulfill or follow their vision.

What is your true self? What is your path? What is your mission? My love, only you can identify them. Your truth, path, mission, and the way you’ll cultivate authentic happiness, peace, and fulfillment, will rest on your unique priorities, needs, talents, and goals. We all gain happiness in different ways. Life and identity are shaped and measured differently by each person.

“Path” is a term flung wildly. To me, it means the walk we are each on. We are travelers and we are moving forward, whether recklessly, hedonistically, lazily, fearfully, or deliberately. I feel our one task in life is to grow into and embody our best selves. This means to walk without incurring harm onto yourself or others. This means to live in a way that is a positive contribution to society. This means to live lovingly, mindfully, inventively, purposefully, flexibly, bravely, and humbly, without regrets or the kind of reticence that would keep you from following through on exciting opportunities. Our common dare is to live in a way that lets us continually evolve, for the better. This means you may inhabit numerous jobs and roles, depending on what you need to grow. It’s like dating. Sometimes, we need a specific person for a certain period of time because he or she helps us meet needs and priorities unique to where we are in our personal development. It is the same with vocations and roles.

One’s ideal vocation is sculpted by one’s most pressing needs and priorities. For some, the need to give love, take care, or be of service is paramount. For others, the need to feel financially wealthy is almighty. Some need to feel powerful, or special, or applauded, or visible, or anonymous to feel content. Some love daily social interaction. Others abhor it and need solitude to feel most alive. Some need to do socially meaningful work. For others, it is just as crucial that their jobs are devoid of emotional attachment, investment, and responsibility.

Traditional, linear lore declares undergrad leads to grad school. Or dating leads to marriage. Or girl leads to woman leads to wife leads to mother. The thing is, one person’s joy is another’s prison. Your fairytale self and ending may look very different from mine. I spend ten hours a day typing at a laptop, by myself, talking aloud the entire time, blissfully happy, surfing a high of inexplicable, immeasurable fulfillment. My joy looks like another’s insanity. Or boredom.

Carefully chart what makes you feel most fulfilled, peaceful, happy, challenged, stimulated, productive, authentic, honest, and useful. Think of your ideal vocation not as a label but an archetype that suits your deepest yearnings and talents. Giver, Healer, Helper versus Chef, Doctor, Manager. This will help you see and remember that your primary job in life is to meet and honor the ideals and gifts of your best self. Upholding your archetype also means that you can leave behind one role to inhabit another, if the previous one ceases to fulfill you.

I didn’t always write. I trained and worked as an actor for 15 years. Acting let me feel I was part of a family of artists cooperating towards a common goal. It also let me feel as though I had the attention and appreciation of others. I felt special and esteemed. Given the childhood I come from, I needed my first career as an actor to heal the hurt of yesteryear. Once those needs were met and reconciled, the need to be challenged and nourished intellectually took precedence. Thus, three years ago, I left acting for writing. Writing is the one job that employs my full intelligence. It also satisfies my need for complete creative independence. My younger self desired constant community and encouragement. Now, I adore solitude and freedom.

Mission is the word I use to talk about the driving impetus and purpose of one’s life. When a person’s job or primary role in life aligns with their mission, they fill with clear, radiant fulfillment. That’s how a job turns into a vocation. My mission is to give love and be a voice for those who haven’t one. For me, the vocation that satisfies this best is writing. It’s how I give to others and feel most alive. There isn’t a simple door or immediate formula one can walk through to locate one’s true mission. But a surefire way to never find one’s ideal fit is by never trying or taking risks. The way you’ll sort and find your truth is by continually moving forward, in some way. Keep trying different gaits and roles until you snuggle into the form that fits you perfectly.

It is the painful experiences that tend to be the most influential. Often, our mission is informed by our past, the earth and rain from which we come. A dear friend of mine is a fashion and fine-art photographer. All his life, his mother has told him he is ugly. Thus he committed his life to finding and creating beauty. My mission finds home not only in writing but also in my work with children. I’ve worked with kids since I was 15, mostly with children from unusual, difficult circumstances. I feel their unspoken stories as palpably as my own. Earlier today, for the classic assignment, “What I Want to Be When I Grow Up”, a student asked, “How do I spell “counselor?” I answered and she wrote, “I want to be a counselor because I have a counselor. She helps me walk through my sadness.”

The girl is 7.

You have just started physical therapy for your injuries. It will be an arduous trek towards recovery. There will be moments of illumination though. You may find yourself forging a powerful connection with your physical therapist and the work she does. You may find yourself, as a recent Psych. grad, fascinated with the psychology of recovery, pain, trauma, or fear. You may write a paper or follow this trail to grad school. If anything, this experience will and already is adding depth to your spirit. You will grow if you are actively determined to. Live with your eyes open. That’s how the light gets in.

Choose wisely which talents to follow. Simply because you excel at something needn’t mean you need to invest in it, should it make you or others unhappy. I’ve had numerous jobs over the years. Short of gravedigger and prostitute, I’ve done it all. (I have practiced both those activities, but only spiritually.) My least enjoyable, most financially lucrative role was as the head of sales for a bespoke men’s fashion line. My day consisted of managing our New York, LA, and Hong Kong offices, flirting with male clientele, taking their measurements, and selling as many bespoke shirts as possible. My best sale was 56 shirts to the same man, in one hour, $100 per shirt. Who needs 56 shirts, in the same style and season? No one — I am that good at selling to men. Unquestionably my least favorite talent. I created customers. I created need. My monthly salary was five times what I make with my students. I gave myself six months at the job, saved up, left. When I write “live mindfully”, I mean this. I’m the oldest sibling and cousin. I’m the only one who has been married, and the first and I hope only to be divorced. I’ve returned from the labyrinth to share stories so you won’t have to battle the same shadows. If you do, that’s all right too. It will be part of your journey. (Tip: shadows are golden fodder for memoirs.)

You will encounter fear, within yourself and others. When I shifted axis from acting to writing, most people treated me like something terrible had happened. I received innumerable pats and coos. “I’m so sorry.” “You must feel awful.” And “Don’t worry. You aren’t less a person because you failed.” I smiled and nodded while thinking quietly, It never occurred to me to feel woebegone or less-than. But thanks for the casserole. The reactions I received were fascinating and revealing, especially as I felt very little remorse toward the change in my life. The contrast in reactions boils down to each individual’s psychology towards change, identity, the ever-growing self, risk, and convention. I feel you cannot “leave behind a life to start a new one”, for a “past life” is simply the earlier stage of the one you’re in. And of course, the query I received most vehemently was “What are you going to do?” delivered in either hushed, horrified tones or at a pitch and intensity generally employed by bullhorns and aggressive boyfriends.

My reply was, “I’m going to keep doing what I do.” Meaning, I’ll continue being myself. When pressed for details, I’d reply, “I’m writing.”

“So you’re a writer now?” Labels and identifying roles tend to help people feel secure and organized. For most, assigning labels lets them measure another’s value, and their own in comparison. Some commit to these beliefs so ardently that their hands twitch for a price tagger like those used in supermarkets. They’d just love to tag our ears like cattle.

“A writer? Not necessarily. I’m myself and now, I happen to be writing.”

You are yourself and you happen to be in recovery. You are yourself and you are sorting your pieces. As noted, your task, like each of ours, is to learn, own, and stand by your truest self. Whatever you choose to do is a reflection and extension of that. My love, I know it can feel like you aren’t moving forward — don’t confuse recovery with stasis. Truth is, at any given time, nearly every one of us is recovering from something or another, a person or event. We are collectively healing and improving. As growth is our paramount goal, I feel there isn’t such a thing as failure or an aborted path. It’s illogical and harmful to think of past events, careers, jobs, relationships, or selves as mistakes, lasting injuries, or wastes of time. Each experience is part of our evolution.

I feel your unrest. I know it’s painful to feel like you have to continually defend or prove yourself. It took a long time for others, especially family, to accept that I truly don’t want and may not be designed for the traditional set-up in terms of vocation, mission, and lifestyle. I’m certainly not suited for an office or any role that doesn’t involve art, independence, and service. And I don’t know if I’m meant for romantic love, marriage, and children. I’ve yet to be in profound, lasting love with a person. Strange but true: when I write, I feel the way I suspect others do when they’re in love, based on their description. Euphoric. At home. Understood. Complete. Known. Appreciated. Held. Safe. Limitless. And given that all my work is written like I’m speaking to an imaginary beloved, I’m never lonely. While I write, I feel loved and like I’m part of a deep, pure exchange.

No one needs to fully comprehend this but me. Ultimately, one’s truth is solely one’s own to understand and follow.

You will find yours. Every person, job, role, and relationship is a work in progress. Time proves whether the investment is more work than progress. Darling one, be protective of yourself. Your truth may be nontraditional, seemingly bizarre, or difficult for others to grasp — protect it all the more. Respect your instincts. Gauge when to be soft-spoken and when to roar. Believe in the power of the quiet, hidden voice within. When the noise builds, take it as perfect encouragement and opportunity to turn inward and listen to yourself. Practice asking yourself questions and answering them. Hone this muscle for inner dialogue. Become your best friend and advisor. Meanwhile and evermore, I am here too.

You are so beautiful, intelligent, and wiser and more capable than you may believe. By virtue of being human, you are possibility. I feel you clearly. In time, you will too.

I long to see you set the sky on fire.

Love,

Reema