A Story of Renewal and Evolution

I have wasted a lot of time containing these emotions that keep on coming in and out of my head these past few months. But then, as my fingers were starting to type these unspoken thoughts that I want to cry out, the heaviness in my chest somehow lifted up.
How dare I to forget writing as my comfort pace of letting things go?
I remember feeling disappointed and saddened about how things went for me in the past. But at the end of the day, I have able to let it all go through pouring out words whether it be in a piece of paper or in an online journal. Maybe this is what they call the cost of adulting — the tendency of forgetting what you are passionate of doing in order to focus on manning up your tendencies and capacities to survive the professional life.
Professional.
Yes, it has been months since I graduated. Luckily, I have able to seize an opportunity from my alma mater in a profession that I never expected to be. I was supposed to be a media practitioner, but as what the Jesuits said, “Know that his plans are always better than ours.” Therefore, here I am, now helping the university in its mission of destroying the lives of the students in a positive way. I never even imagine that I will be in the position that I am today. Some even think that this is a joke. How would someone like me be a CIFP and NSTP Formator?
But, before graduating, I always knew that deep down, I won’t pursue media anymore. I realized that, yes, media is fun, but at the end of the day, it does not give me the satisfaction and meaning that my heart is yearning. It’s shattering on my part, of course, because that field that I thought I belong to is all along, not meant for me.
However, on the other side of the coin, I realized that my gift is to form, to educate, and to move people. I am meant to be a servant-leader. I can recall the words of Bo Sanchez in his book, “How to Find Your True Love” saying, “We think God’s will is found out there, somewhere in the stars. That’s not true. God’s will is found within. Ultimately, God’s will is your deepest desire.”
Way back when I was a child, I was really passionate about gathering my playmates to sit on a grass while I am lecturing them about the dawn of the dinosaurs, the Philippine histories that my father shared to me and the factions of the animal kingdom. This is why my mother predicted me to be an educator in the future.
But I said no.
In High School, out of nowhere, my creative writing teacher told me out of a sudden that she sees me as someone who will inspire the youth in the future. I asked, how can I do that?
With a smile on her face, she responded, “You will be a teacher.”
Dazed on what I heard, for the second time, I said no.
As I entered College with hints of uncertainty, considering that I am a new gal in the city far away from my hometown and everything was new from what I am accustomed to do, an educator in a formation subject during our first day of class said these words, “I want to destroy the lives of the students in a positive way.” He was really adamant and full of passion upon saying those to us, to the point, I was finally shaken. With much humbleness, I was somehow convinced and finally pondered the words, “I would like to do that too.”
Apparently, that formator also became my mentor in another field. It’s funny how God willed all of these things to happen and let me be mentored by Him through sending one of his disciples. He taught me the way of servant-leadership and immersed me on realities that I should be paying attention about aside from my family and my self. That is why when I could no longer found my voice in the media world, I know where to come — to be a servant-leader — to form, to educate and to move people.
I thought I was embracing the life of being an educator just because someone on that field inspired me. But I realized that it’s not just that. During that short journey, I began to recognize how my truest aspiration easily match with his will. All along, it was embedded in me as God planned it perfectly.
However, even though I have found my why, it does not mean that things won’t get tough and rough for me. I know that I am still deficient when it comes to experiences. I know that I still have lots of things to learn. I even admit that I have no major background about teaching. Even my facilitation and processing skills are still lacking. I acknowledged all of them. Therefore, it is a challenge for me to be better. Hence, with these rooms for improvements that I identified, what can I now do?
But I cannot help to doubt myself along the way with the mistakes I have unintended-ly committed, with the judgement I have received, and with the rejections I have felt upon gazing at some of my students. I thought I was okay, but at the end of the day, I grasped the thought that I am not good and smart enough.
It even added to my emotional burden the truth that those people you thought would support you for what you are now doing, will do the other way. Disapproval was written all over their faces. It’s a pain in me remembering how I tried my best to boost their moral even though I am not the encourager type. I was even the last person who was standing because I believe in them whenever things are getting rough for them.
Nevertheless, comparing what they did to what I did is losing, and I cannot bear to lose just because of that. With much discernment, I was enlightened that the greatest enemy that I will ever encounter is no other than myself. I am the enemy of I.
This is when I have comprehended as well the words of Dr. Stephen Covey that “if I cannot change the situation, I can change the way I think instead.” I need to choose my own battles wisely because not all opinions are worthy to be entertained. I know that I have worked hard and I know that I have strived hard. I know that I will never stop learning in order to be better. I know the truth — that’s all that matters.
Hence, my God did not love me less just because I was broken and lacking. He does not even call the justified, he justifies the called instead. And I am one of those who have been justified by him, because he called me. He called me for a purpose, and this is the purpose — to form, to educate and to move.
I believe that I can evolve like the Zodiac Sign, Scorpio, that can transcend into a soaring Eagle and a blazing Phoenix despite of being a Capricorn gal. I can exceed to what I and others expect of me as long as I choose to be.
I am capable of flight and height. I may be vulnerable to destruction, but I know that I am also a story of renewal and evolution. My flame is alive, and it will continue to burn all for His greater glory.
