Saddest Hours

Let’s talk about the saddest hours. Let’s talk about the lines we utter during the moments we’re alone, staring at the ceiling and asking how’s life been these past few months. Because for me, I can hardly feel my cheeks when caressing them. It’s numb — for I have been slapped innumerable times than I remember. It’s just that it’s been too late for me to notice that my face has been reddish all this time, and most of my tears naturally dried out without me or someone dare wiping it. What a shame!

It’s funny how God needs to drop a bomb right in front of me to realize that things are no longer good for me. And it seems he’s saying, I’ve been turning toxic. I’ve been toxic for dealing for so long with two-faced people — keeping in my mind that they are alright to be with. But no! It is never okay.

Never.

Now, as I wonder by drowning myself with thoughts, I begin to notice what went wrong with me. Now, as I begin to wander — letting myself lost and meeting the thoughts emerging on my mind fortress, I start to see how I’ve been surrounded with plasticity, with people wearing masks and dare putting wounds on my skin without me noticing.

I’ve been inexpressive and voiceless because I’m trying not to be frank and dwell with arguments like what I had been doing in the past. I stopped being impulsive and not considering other people’s feelings. But in doing so, I’ve been poisoned. I must have been overdoing it, I guess. But I won’t let that poison totally consume me the second time around. I’ll sip the venom out of my system through writing these thoughts to the people whom my patience had enough with.

First, to the two-faced individuals who’s in the eyes of someone observant like me, evidently acting to be the person she’s actually not, cut the crap! You may deceive others by playing to be someone who genuinely understands, lengthening your patience but actually stabbing people on their backs, and pretending to be an angel even though inside you are a devil… take note, not me. You can never cheat on me.

You will sound like a rock singer singing an acoustic song. You try to blend with the harmonious melody, but you can’t perfectly do so — not even a half, because your voice suits more with creating thumping sounds and hype beats. The further you insist to keep on dwelling on it, the more awful you soundly become especially to the audience listening near you. I suggest you start acknowledging what’s real and spit out that desire to be someone you are not just to please and at the same time, bring down other people. In case you wouldn’t, it’s okay. One day, you’ll learn the hard way like I did. And when that time comes, you’ll be able to realize how choking to the lungs you have been.

Second, this is to those too over emotional folks I had encountered. I feel your pain, your sympathy, and your sensitivity. But most of the times, it’s too much. It’s ironic how sensitive you are when it comes to yourselves and the mishaps of other people, but at the same time, how insensitive you are when it comes to how your actions affects other people.

Well, there is one thing I can conclude, you are a narcissist! Everything’s an issue to you. You never realize how toxic you become spending times with me but the whole scope of topic is all about you, more likely about the misfortunes happened starting when you wake up until the moment you went talking to me — or should I say before troubling me. You never take time to glance if I have something to do or I’m in the state to pay attention to you. But yes, I’ve been listening and as well, gave you advises on what you should do just to lend you a hand in solving that problem of yours. But like what they say, it’s hard to make people see things especially when they are overly centered with their inner troubles. It’s tiring how I keep on listening to the same problem of yours every day. And that’s when I thought that I could never satisfy you and I shouldn’t have try to solve your problems because it will just lead to nothing. You have this core identity of wanting to be an always victim of life’s unending catastrophes. And I couldn’t do anything about it. You, yourself is the prime responsible of fixing that trouble inside you.

Third is for those people who keep on ranting what’s the problem but never proposing a solution. First things first, I pity you. Most of the times, the wrong of others gratify you (and you may not notice it). You are much active in pointing the mistake of the persons and forget all the goodness that he or she had done in the past. Moreover, you seem like bees who are endlessly buzzing. And it irritates me. You never know the feeling sitting uneasily, wondering when that barbaric rants of yours will end and what might be the probable solution you’ll give to that conflict — even most of the times, it is not even a problem of your concern. You just love budging in and acting like you have the authority and thus, you know everything. Everything just ends up with your mouth. It is considered that people like you are just professional criticizers without a proper protocol. And I’m waiting for the day you dread what you are doing more likely when your actions start to counteract to you in the form of someone who’s even worse than you.

Yes, it is one of the saddest hours as I type this. One of the saddest hours because I begin to see things differently. I begin to see how cruel and pretentious people in our surroundings can be just to put you down — it may be intentionally or not. Also, it makes me realize how tired I am dealing with these kind of people, people who are creating their own storms and gets mad when the rain is starting to pour heavily upon them. And most of the times I was being dragged unto that rain. At first, it’s fun honestly — like who wouldn’t be excited with rains? But the more you keep on soaking under it, the more you realize that you are stuck in a flood. And I who encountered it, starts to prefer staying in my room where I am away from those storm casters. It may be too late because I already get myself a grip of a cold, cough or fever, but at least I would have the time to rest.

Indeed, it is one of the saddest hours upon writing this. But behind this sadness of mine is an outrage, a realization, and a will that I am about to unfold. As I mentioned earlier, I learn these things the hard way, and when I learn things the hard way, everything will never be the same. Now, I won’t let those people do those things to me again unless I deserve to. But for now, I need to walk away in order to save myself once and for all.